Betrayal After 50: When You Stop Trusting Yourself | Lora Cheadle

Welcome And Guest Setup

Announcer 0:06

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host, psychotherapist, coach, and empowerment expert, Beverly Glazer.

Beverley Glazer 0:33

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer, a work and life transition coach and reinvention strategist for women over 50, helping you bridge the gap between the life you've built and what you're ready for now. And you can find me on this podcast at reInventimpossible.com. These conversations share powerful stories from accomplished women who face life challenges and use their wisdom, resilience, and experience to create meaning as they move forward in life. We don't sugarcoat our struggles here. We learn from them, grow through them, and discover what's possible on the other side. So I want you to meet Lora Cheadle. She's a betrayal recovery expert, an attorney, a somatic attachment therapist, a clinical hypnotherapist, and author on Tex X speaker. Lora did everything according to plan. She built a career, she raised her family, and just as she thought that she would have more time for herself, she discovered that her husband was unfaithful for 15 years. Suddenly her whole world fell apart. If you've ever had a wake-up call or found yourself questioning everything that you thought was true, keep listening. And stay with us till the end, and I'll share key takeaways and simple actions that you can put into practice for yourself right away. And while you're listening, if you find yourself thinking, hey, that's me too, well, then let's have a conversation on what's next for you. You'll find that link in the show notes as well. So welcome, Lora. Thank you so much. Lora, what was your life growing up in your family when you were just a small child?

The Pressure Of Being Perfect

Lora Cheadle 2:33

I love that question because growing up, I was an only child. Uh, not only was I an only child, I was an only grandchild and great grandchild on both sides.

Beverley Glazer 2:45

Oh my. Right. So you were that special, special child. Yes.

Lora Cheadle 2:52

Sure.

Beverley Glazer 2:53

Yes.

Lora Cheadle 2:54

I had a lot of fun, and everybody centered me because I was it. Uh-huh.

Beverley Glazer 3:01

And that that puts you under a lot of pressure. It does. Yeah. It's like you really have to be perfect. You have to be that little good girl. And you did everything right. And you grew up, got married, became an attorney. Why did you go into law?

Lora Cheadle 3:21

A couple of different reasons. I was really passionate about justice. I had seen so much injustice in the world. And it was one of those things that just got me so riled up. And I thought, this is the way that I can go into the world and I can make things right. And also, I loved reading and I loved writing and I loved constructing arguments. So for me, it was really the perfect choice in career.

Beverley Glazer 3:48

And you

When “Doing It All” Becomes Too Much

Beverley Glazer 3:49

did that. You also raised a family and you also took care of your grandparents. Yes. And so you were really a caregiver, and many people depended on you. What was that period of your life like?

Lora Cheadle 4:04

It was stressful because I never realized it was going to be like that. You know, I grew up kind of in an era where it was like, yes, women can do it all and they can have it all. You just need to be organized enough and you just need to do it right. And I kept thinking, why am I struggling? I I yeah, I'm smart enough. I'm doing the best that I can. Why am I struggling? This doesn't make sense. So it was it was confusing in a way to me that why can't I do it all?

Beverley Glazer 4:34

Well, you were doing as much as you possibly can, but we're all human. Yeah. And there's such a thing also as overdoing. And then your children were off in college. And what happened when your youngest went off to school?

Discovering A 15 Year Affair

Lora Cheadle 4:53

That's when I discovered that my husband had been cheating for 15 years with five different women. And it completely shattered me. It that I mean, 15 years, that's pretty much my kids' entire childhood. What was real vacations, anniversaries, holidays. I thought we had a pretty darn good relationship. I mean, of course, stressful things happen, but yeah, but it's like, you're kidding me. And then what does this mean for my future? And who am I? And how I couldn't, my entire identity crumbled. I couldn't figure out what was real and who I was.

Beverley Glazer 5:34

But but how did you find that out?

Lora Cheadle 5:37

Through a series. There, I mean, when there's that much infidelity, it's a series. The thing that started it all was one of his affair partners sent me a card in the mail with oh yeah, with a picture of a screenshot that my husband had a screenshot of a picture that my husband had sent to her.

Beverley Glazer 5:57

Okay. Yeah. And everything started to crumble. Yes. And yeah, I like the way you said affair partners. You were very polite. Okay. Thank you. Yeah.

Lora Cheadle 6:13

And so how did you address this?

Betrayal, Self-Blame And “How Did I Not Know?

Lora Cheadle 6:16

Um, you know, you first there's so much disbelief. How what are these women doing to us? Why are they, why are they saying this? Why are they doing this? What did this mean? It's funny to say, but it's such a shock. My brain couldn't understand what was really happening. The fact that he chose this, that he had an affair, it wasn't even really entering my brain for quite a while until I found some other emails and then some other screenshots. And then he started confessing things. And that's when I really started seeing the full picture of what was going on. And initially, I, as we all do, make it all about the other person. What were you thinking? What were you doing? What was going on? Oh my God, why was I not good enough?

Beverley Glazer 7:08

Right.

Lora Cheadle 7:09

Yeah, just spiraled, spiraled into trying to get my head and my heart around what had really happened and why.

Beverley Glazer 7:17

Right. And everything was going along so perfectly. Right. And you had children too. Did they know anything or did you try to save them from this?

Telling The Kids And Fallout

Lora Cheadle 7:28

Um, they did not know anything. Unfortunately, right when I was finding out, I my husband left because I was like, and we're done, you need to leave. And I called him that afternoon and I said, okay, my youngest will be coming home today. What are we going to tell them? And what he said to me was, I told them everything. Well, I thought that meant I told them everything. And what he thought it meant was I told them I was moving out for a while. So I just called the kids and was like, Well, this isn't your dad's affair, blah, blah, blah. And they were like, wait, what? So it was not handled well, it just happened.

Beverley Glazer 8:10

Yeah. And so it was just a mess.

Lora Cheadle 8:15

Oh, it was a total mess. And they were upset, and I was upset. And then, you know, my my parents got involved. And because it just it when you're so destabilized, you're not thinking about what does this mean and what is the future. It just all came out and everything was in turmoil.

Beverley Glazer 8:33

Yes. What was the hardest part looking back? The hardest part of the betrayal?

Lora Cheadle 8:41

There, gosh, there were several things that were hard, but I think the worst part was the fact that I know you really, really well. How can you do this? Because this is not who I know you to be. And if I know you to be somebody different than you did this, what does that mean about me?

Beverley Glazer 9:01

Right. Yeah, and these questions must have come over and over and over again. Yes. And you were in your 50s at the time. Yes. That's a difficult time and the best of time. Your whole identity goes down the tubes.

Lora Cheadle 9:19

Yes. Yes. I mean, yeah, like that. My youngest was leaving, so I'm dealing with empty nesting. The trauma of the infidelity actually kicked me into menopause as well. So all of a sudden I'm dealing with that. So yes, it was everything. Yes.

Beverley Glazer 9:35

How did you deal with all that? I spent a lot of time just crying and feeling it and giving myself the grace and the space to not perform anymore, to not take care of people anymore, to just receive, which was a place that I had never ever been in my life. But I was so despondent, so distraught, I had to stop and I had to just be. And that was my very first step.

Lora Cheadle 10:09

Yeah.

Beverley Glazer 10:10

And we beat ourselves up immediately when something else like this happens. Or I can go even further. We beat ourselves up all the time. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Um, how could I have been so stupid not to see? How long did that take for you to be able to come through that and say it's enough?

Lora Cheadle 10:37

You know, it's it's a long journey. That first year was really hard. There would be moments where I would get it. There would be moments where I'd be like, I've I understand. I I and then it all falls apart again. It's, you know, the two steps forward, one step back, one step forward, two. It's it's that constant back and forth. But just like any kind of a grief, that first year is really tumultuous.

Beverley Glazer 11:07

Right. And family and friends, and everything changes during that time. And you're still a mom and he's still a dad. And so you have to deal with both sides.

Stay Or Leave? Learning To Trust Yourself

Beverley Glazer 11:22

And did you decide to get a divorce?

Lora Cheadle 11:25

We didn't know at first because it was never on the table. It was nothing that I had ever contemplated. So all of a sudden, what? You have to leave because you just cheated, and this means I have to get a divorce, and I don't even know. And I kept feeling a feeling, not a conscious thought, but this feeling, we are not done yet. The story is not over yet. And my head would say, No, no, no, no, no, Lori, you're done. And friends would be like, you're done. But my body kept saying, I think there's something more. I think there's something more. So the long and the short is we we did separate for a while and we did reconcile. And now, eight and a half years later, we are still together. We did not get a divorce.

Rebuilding Trust And Doing The Work

Beverley Glazer 12:12

How are you able to establish trust with yourself, not just him? Yeah.

Lora Cheadle 12:21

By doing things like that, by witnessing what my body was saying and trusting it, by learning how to not override by what I should do, by giving myself that grace and the time to feel into what do I need, not what should I do, not what would look good, not what would others do, but what do I feel, what do I think, what do I want, what is true for me now? And by just practicing and living that way, and also by making mistakes and giving myself compassion.

Beverley Glazer 13:04

And what I often say to clients who want to reestablish this relationship, that this is a new relationship. If you can't go back to the old relationship, that one is so done that that went wrong. So, did he work on himself too?

Lora Cheadle 13:23

Absolutely, absolutely, and we would not have moved forward if he didn't. Because what I learned from this is so often infidelity is a coping mechanism. It's just like numbing out from alcohol, scrolling, gambling, whatever. That was his coping mechanism because he hadn't faced his childhood trauma. That had nothing to do with me. And in a lot of ways, that didn't even have anything to do with the relationship. It had to do with him. But I'm gonna grow and I'm gonna change and I'm gonna do better. And if I'm going to be in a relationship with somebody, they have to grow and change and do better too. So, yes, he still is doing a lot of work on himself because he still has a lot to unpack from his highly dysfunctional childhood. And yes, we have come together and then we've also worked on ourselves, but it's about us as individuals.

Beverley Glazer 14:17

Yes. And how about the children? Were they kind of questioning that maybe they're going to be hurt again when dad comes back or something's going to happen? Was there trust there too?

Lora Cheadle 14:27

What's really interesting about that is he was very focused on his career and he wasn't super involved with the kids. So when they first found out, they were kind of like, yeah, typical, whatever. As he has worked on himself, he has become more vulnerable, more able to connect and share. And they have had a deeper relationship. And this is the best relationship they have ever had with him now.

Beverley Glazer 14:57

Right. So you're all growing together. Yes. And so coming back was a good decision. Yes, it ended up being a very good decision.

Facing Judgment From Other People

Beverley Glazer 15:09

And what about the other people? Everybody becomes very skeptical that something's going to happen again. Or what is Laura doing? Doesn't she see it? Is she in denial? How did you help them through it, or did you care?

Lora Cheadle 15:25

Um, sometimes I cared, sometimes I didn't. Most people, I would consciously say they are free to have their own emotions, they are free to have their own opinions, and I would just remind myself that it doesn't impact me. And when I did that, what would happen is people would come to me nine months later, a year later, and they'd say, things are really different. And then they would share, I was really afraid for you. I thought you were doing this because it was easier financially. I thought you were setting yourself up, but wow, things have really changed. And I see that, and I just want to affirm that for you. And that has been very helpful.

Beverley Glazer 16:06

Yeah, you must feel really good about that. Yes. Yes, it's affirming. For sure. After what you've been through, what is trusting your own decisions mean for you? It means a couple of different things.

Lora Cheadle 16:21

First of all, it means being willing to go all in and to own it. Before, when I would make a decision, sometimes I would crowdsource. Should I do this? What do you think? Should I do that? And then when something would go wrong, it was it was easier to then blame it on somebody. Well, somebody told me to do that. Well, everybody said I should do that. To me, trusting it is sure, I can crowdsource information, but I'm responsible for my decision. And if I make it and it's good, or if I make it and it's bad, it's because I was doing the best that I could with the time. So it's like growing up and owning my own process. I think that's the first part. And then the second part is being willing to tune into me more to make myself primary. And I didn't do that before.

Beverley Glazer 17:16

Okay. Why do you think that you made that switch? I deserve to be cared for. I deserve more love and affection.

Lora Cheadle 17:27

What I really uncovered about myself was how much I had been performing. You know, going back to my childhood, being the good little girl, playing the role of pleasing other people and shifting that into presence. How do I feel? And sometimes I do want to receive, and I don't have to earn it. It's because of who I am. And you can love me whether or not I have the perfect home or the perfect kids or the perfect body or the perfect whatever it is. Just moving into that presence of feeling and the awareness that I do deserve this because I'm me, not because I earned it.

When Betrayal Changes What You Want

Beverley Glazer 18:10

What's one last word of advice for somebody who's also suffered betrayal and is listening right now?

Lora Cheadle 18:17

I think the biggest thing that I want to share is betrayal is a watershed moment. And it's not the activity, the action, the thing that happened that makes the difference. What makes the difference is what you do with that. So whatever it is, it's your choice. What do you want to do with it and do that thing?

Beverley Glazer 18:38

Excellent. Thank you, Laura. Laura Cheadle is a betrayal recovery expert, a licensed attorney, a somatic attachment therapist, a clinical hypnotherapist, TEDx speaker, and author. She's the creator of Life Choreography and The Flaunt Framework, and also the author of It's Not Burnout, It's Betrayal and Flaunt. Drop your cover and reveal your smart, sexy, and spiritual

How To Rebuild Trust In Yourself

Beverley Glazer 19:11

self. Here are a few takeaways from this episode. It's okay not to be fine. You do not need to pretend. Don't listen to the judgments. Only you know what's right for your life. And healing starts when you listen to yourself again. If you've been identifying with this episode, here's some things you could do for yourself right now. Listen to your heart, not what others think. Stop blaming yourself for someone else's actions. And there's no need to betray yourself to keep peace, play a role, or pretend everything is okay. Talk to someone to sort things out. For similar episodes on rebuilding from loss, check out episode 178, When Life Breaks You Open, and Episode 180, Divorce, Self-Worth, and Everyday Peace on Aging with Purpose and Passion. And if you're looking for podcasts for older women, Women Over 70, Aging Reimagined, is an award-winning podcast and community that celebrates the wisdom, resilience, and vitality of women in their 70s and beyond. That link will also be in the show

Lora’s Resources And Betrayal Recovery Guide

Beverley Glazer 20:26

notes. And so, Laura, where can people find you? Please share your links.

Lora Cheadle 20:31

They can find me at Lora Cheatle.com, and Laura is L-O-R-A. Cheatle is C H E A D L E. And if they are struggling with some sort of betrayal, they can download my complimentary betrayal recovery guide at betrayal recovery guide.com.

Beverley Glazer 20:51

Terrific. And those links are in the show notes, and they're also on my site too. That's reinventimpossible.com. And so, my friends, what's next for you? Are you wondering what's possible for yourself too? Well, let's map that out together. You'll find that link in the show notes and also on reinventimpossible.com.

Share Subscribe And Closing

Beverley Glazer 21:14

And if this conversation spoke to you, please add us to your playlist, share it with a friend, and remember, you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Announcer 21:31

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossible.com. And while you're there, join our newsletter. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion. And celebrate life.