Unconventional Lives: Joyce Fidler's Path to Sobriety and Success

Speaker 1 0:07

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host. Psychotherapist, coach and empowerment expert, beverly Glaser.

Speaker 2 0:24

Psychotherapist coach and empowerment expert, beverly Glaser. What if everything you've lived through the ups, the downs, the detours, all that was leading you to this very moment? Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverly Glaser and I help women navigate the challenges of life and of business transitions to have a renewed purpose. So you can also find me on reinventimpossiblecom. So in today's episode, we will dive into a journey of Joyce Fidler. Joyce defied convention. Of Joyce Fidler. Joyce defied convention. She went through addiction, she went through divorce and reinvention and she finally found her way out through creativity and through joy, From being a singer in the 80s to becoming a writer. This story is proof that it's never too late to be fulfilled. Get ready to be inspired, to step into your own personal power. Let's dive right in. Welcome, joyce.

Speaker 3 1:34

So good to be here. Beverly, Thank you for having me A pleasure.

Speaker 2 1:39

Joyce, you grew up with a mom who was of Japanese heritage, and you also had a dad who was in the military. What was your life like when you were growing up?

Speaker 3 1:54

Well, I didn't even know. My mom was part Japanese. She was half Japanese, half Hawaiian, but she grew up in Hawaii so I always thought she was Hawaiian, but she grew up in Hawaii, so I always thought she was Hawaiian. And when my dad met her during World War II he was from Indiana. So my childhood was spent living around the world because he was military, came back to the States in my younger years because we lived abroad. Some it was funny because people were reacting to the Japanese part of me because World War II had occurred and it was a surprise to me that people would judge me because they thought I looked Japanese and the Japanese had just, you know, been part of this hideous war. But I didn't know anything about the war. So I was just an innocent, basically, and didn't know why anyone should care what I was or where my parents were from.

Speaker 2 3:01

Sure, but that must have affected you. I mean just as a child. You know it's like I was fine before. What's going on now in America? You know that was hard Right.

Speaker 3 3:13

Yeah, I. We lived in a mobile home in Detroit and I remember some kids chasing me, throwing rocks at me and screaming at me you dirty Jap. And I just thought I have no idea what you're talking about. Or you know my mom's from Hawaii, and why would you care? I even you know, and I moved away from there when I was in fifth grade. I guess I was there first through fifth grade and I just had no idea what was upsetting about it. Just naive.

Speaker 2 3:51

No, it's hurtful, it's really hurtful and you were just young, you wouldn't have known. But you also call yourself an army brat kid, like what do?

Speaker 3 4:01

you mean by that? Well, because my dad was military. I lived in Japan for a year. I lived in Germany for three years. Fifth grade through eighth grade I was in Germany, which was a really enriching childhood experience. To this day I'm still friends with one of those girls that I was a cheerleader with in Frankfurt, germany, and you know, that's an interesting contrast because there, obviously, the military is filled with every ethnicity imaginable and we had every race in our schools and the most popular kid was this African American kid.

Speaker 3 4:48

And so again, I came back and we were in Indiana and all of a sudden they I heard kids on the bus saying vicious things about we, we're going to go down to Indiana Avenue this weekend and yell at the ends, you know, and I was just freaked out. I said, first of all, you know, yell what. I just couldn't imagine why a person would A call people that name and B. What would there be to yell people that name and B, what would there be to yell? I just again, racism and I are just. We don't have any intersection of understanding, really so.

Speaker 2 5:36

So it must have affected you and affected you hard. But yeah, you had this dream and you had a lot of challenges, but you decided to pursue theater and pursue communications. And how did you do that?

Speaker 3 5:53

Well, really I was boy crazy. That was the bottom line. You know, when those kids in Detroit were chasing me with their negativity, I was chasing boys during recess to get them down on the ground and make them kiss me. So that was in first grade. So fast forward to high school. I'm getting ready to choose a college.

Speaker 3 6:16

I wanted to go to the college that had the most, the highest male-female ratio. So I picked a school that had seven men to every woman, and I sort of knew that I couldn't really go to a party school. I just knew inherently that I always loved to have a good time. I have FOMO fear of missing out to this day. I don't ever want there to be fun happening that I don't get to be included in. And so I chose Purdue University because they had seven men to every woman and I just thought the pickings would be good.

Speaker 3 6:54

So I studied theater. But I also had a practical part of me better be ready to do something else in case the acting thing doesn't work out. So I had two majors. One was in communications ed with an English ed minor, and then my other major was theater. And you know I was this hell-bent person who I took a bazillion classes. So my first and last semesters I took 15 credits, but in between I was taking 17, 19, 21. I had two huge term papers to write and I ended up writing a history of blacks in American theater and then turning it into the black history class and the US history, the theater history class. That works, yeah, and the teachers gave me permission, but you know there were no Xeroxes. Then I had to type that in a typewriter with carbon paper.

Speaker 2 8:13

I don't know what you mean. I really do. But then what you said was I married the first man I slept with.

Speaker 3 8:23

Exactly Met him in college. We got married during our junior year, sophomore year, I can't remember, but yeah, that was the semester I was taking all those credits and I was driving back and forth from Purdue to Indianapolis to plan the wedding and it's the only semester I made the Dean's List. So I am a person who sort of thrives on being too busy. And yeah, I married him. You know, I met him and we knew in a week that we were in love. And we got married one year and one month after our first date. And we were very young, I was 21. I turned 21 in February and in March we got married. And you know he should have known there was a problem. I had a dream on our honeymoon night that I was at his parents' house in the pink bathroom and I woke up and I was peeing the bed. So it was sort of a warning to him he might be having some adventures ahead.

Unconventional Open Marriage and Sobriety

Speaker 2 9:35

Oh yes, oh yes. So what was this marriage like? You had children, Right. And what went on in this marriage of two very young people?

Speaker 3 9:47

And what went on in this marriage of two very young people. Well, I had been managing a record store while we were in college and he worked there, and when we graduated we started our own record store in Indianapolis and we just spent all of our time together. You know, it was really probably in hindsight it was too much. We had season tickets to Purdue football, we had season tickets to the Indianapolis Symphony that his family gave us, and the you know music society, where they had string quartets, and we worked at the store together and at some point point I just thought you are a wonderful guy, but I'm kind of sick of you.

Speaker 3 10:32

And so I decided that I wanted to date, and so I proposed this idea of us having an open marriage. And I researched it. I went and got a book out of the library called Open Marriage and then basically gave him an ultimatum Look, I'm going to date, I can move out, get my own place, or we can try an open marriage. Which do you prefer? What's not negotiable is that I'm dating. And so he said well, it'd be expensive. You know, mr Practicality, if you got your own place, we couldn't really afford that. So let's just try the open marriage. And then, shortly after I started dating, I am by nature, I think, a one man woman, and so I just met this younger guy. I couldn't quite get enough of him, so I just moved him into our house and we had a big house, there was room, it was a solar house we built in the 70s and you know, we were hippies to the core, just hippies. And so the boyfriend moved in with us, but only for the last six years of the marriage.

Speaker 2 11:48

So and then finally it was a divorce, right, yeah and yes. And then that must have been a wake up call because your daughter says we want to live with that.

Speaker 3 12:02

Right the, I decided that I was going to leave Indiana and move to California to pursue my acting dreams. And when I announced to the kids that we'd be moving from you know Indiana with their crappy weather and their you know really conservative politics, we were going to move to groovy California and the sunshine, and they just said, yeah, we're staying with dad, and I was freaked out. I was really traumatized by that. They were 13 and 16 year old daughters and it never in a million years occurred to me that they would not want to make the change. And so I had been going to a support group for friends and family of alcoholics me and my husband and two children was an alcoholic I mean, what guy who's sober is going to agree to that? But anyway, his drinking had become pretty severe and so I had gone looking for some help and in that program I had started working these, the 12 steps of recovery. Working the 12 steps of recovery and in writing. Stop you here.

Speaker 2 13:29

Yeah, there must have been parties going on. You must have been drinking as well. Oh yeah, sure. So what you were doing was you were helping him, and by helping him, you were following the steps as well. So it was helping yourself as well.

Speaker 3 13:47

Exactly, precisely. Yeah, I didn't think I had a problem. I didn't notice it because look who I was hanging around with. I was surrounded by musicians. Oh, the record store. And we owned that store from 73 to 83.

Speaker 3 14:14

I would decide what I wanted to drink before I went to work and I would bring liquor to work with me, and nobody could tell me I couldn't drink because I owned the store right. So I'd bring screwdrivers one night and gin and tonic the next. And we also were a head shop, and a head shop is where you buy bongs and rolling papers and all that. And so I was the buyer for all that merchandise and the guys who sold it to me would bring you know, they would say you want to go burn one? And we'd get in the car, I'd leave my shift and go drive out in the country by our store and get high during work. Or I'd grab a stack of incense and go back in the restroom and get high while I was working. So all of this craziness was part of the whole lifestyle, which is why the title of my book is Evolution of a Baby Boomer Life Beyond Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll. Because, yeah, I had this boyfriend living with me.

Speaker 2 15:24

Yeah, so did you decide to get sober then?

Speaker 3 15:27

Yeah, no, I didn't Again. I was surrounded by people who drank at least as much as I did. I was a daily pot smoker and so my drinking wasn't that apparent to me, even though I did. All the classic alcoholic things drove in blackouts. I didn't know what a blackout was. I'd never heard of a blackout. I puked in public in a club where my band played last week. You know just humiliating things. But it wasn't noticeable because I had my eyes on him and his drinking looked so much worse. He was having car accidents and, you know, punching holes in the walls, so it was so much more apparent.

Speaker 3 16:11

But in looking to get help for him, I just decided when I got to California I wouldn't look for a pot dealer. That was my decision. I'm just not going to go buy weed. It wasn't legal, you know. Don't know what made me do it, but I opened up a phone book and I looked up to see if there was a program that I could go to. And I found this program for narcotic addicts and I started going there and they said, and we don't drink either. And I thought, yeah, but they don't mean me because I don't drink that much. And what I noticed is once I wasn't smoking pot. My drinking escalated and suddenly I'm drinking, you know, way more than I ever did.

Speaker 2 17:01

Yes, yes, and so when did you finally decide to get sober? I'm going to get sober.

Speaker 3 17:08

Well, I think, oh, it was. There was a guy who asked me to go out for coffee after a meeting and he said to me you know, you and your little pot problem, why don't you come back when you get a real drug? And I was like, what are you talking about? I know you still are drinking because, and if we drink, we'll be back slamming heroin or doing something with eight balls, whatever that is, I don't really know. But he basically made me think they were going to kick me out, and at that point I had 14 days with no marijuana, and I hadn't had 14 days without marijuana since I was 20 years old. I was now 40. And I didn't want to get kicked out.

Speaker 3 17:59

Now, the truth is that's not the way the program works. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. But he told me, you know, I was putting them at risk. Now, I didn't know how he knew that, because I brushed my teeth I was chewing gum, you know. But somehow he knew I had been drinking before I came to their you know meeting for addicts. And so I just decided I'm going to try it. Just this weekend I'm going to go meet up with a bunch of college friends and I'm just not going to drink this weekend. And you know, that's really how recovery works. It's one day at a time. You don't make a decision that you're never going to drink again or you're never going to smoke another joint. You just decide just today I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to use.

Speaker 2 18:52

So how did you support yourself during that time? Were you still at?

Purpose and Fulfillment at Any Age

Speaker 3 18:55

the clubs. Well, no, I was now in California. I became a substitute teacher. I had always kept my teaching credential valid. And the thing is, I had been teaching college back in Indiana. We had closed our record store at one point. And the thing is, I had been teaching college back in Indiana, we had closed our record store at one point and I had been, you know, 83,. We closed our record store.

Speaker 3 19:24

I moved to California in 1990. So in that interim I had been teaching college and teaching communications classes for multiple universities and teaching communications classes for multiple universities, and so I became a substitute teacher and that was how I was able to, you know, float my boat. Not to mention, I had sold my solar house in Indiana and I had come out with, you know, a little bit of savings which in California I was burning through it at a rapid pace. So, very quickly, people in the recovery program were telling me you know, it may take a minute or the acting thing may never happen for you. You better find a way to be self-supporting. In the meantime, suit up and show up and do whatever God puts in front of you.

Speaker 3 20:15

And I was like whatever that means, and ironically it turned out that I moved to LA after about five months and when I moved to California I was living out in about an hour from LA with somebody I knew in college. And then I moved into the city and started teaching and I kept getting offered these full-time jobs and so I eventually I thought I better take one of these and I went and got a teaching credential in special education, which is something I knew nothing about, but it was sort of like the universe putting other people's kids in my life at a time when my kids were kind of like we'll talk to you on Sundays. You know we had a phone call every week, so yeah.

Speaker 2 21:04

So today you actually found your true love, and it's not just today. You've been with your true love for quite a while now, Exactly. So what's life like now for this new chapter?

Speaker 3 21:19

Well, I retired about 11 years ago from that teaching and in the interim I had met and married in the recovery rooms a guy who was 12 years my junior, but sober two years longer, if that makes any sense. He burned his life to the ground much younger than I did, and he was. We've now been married 25 years. We are still very active in recovery. He's out this morning golfing with his sponsor. He and I are going to take a trip and over the holidays we're going to spend Christmas in Sydney, australia, where my youngest daughter has lived for 10 years, and we will celebrate New Year's on the Sydney Harbor watching fireworks over the Sydney Opera House.

Speaker 3 22:20

We've gone to meetings in Sydney. We've gone to meetings in New Zealand and in Paris and in Dublin and Canada, mexico, all over the country. We really do understand that when we travel our alcoholism, our drug addiction, comes into the suitcase with us, whether we invite them or not. So we know better than to go too long without checking into meetings. So we plan ahead and we decide when we're going to go to meetings. I already know that over the holidays we're taking this trip we're calling 100 Years of Life and Love and it's going to be to celebrate my upcoming 75th birthday and our 25th anniversary. We're going to be in Tasmania the beginning of January and we've lined up a meeting that we're going to go to with somebody I met recently, that is so wonderful.

Speaker 2 23:22

What would you tell other women who feel that they're too old, it's too late in their life for fulfillment and for purpose oh my goodness fulfillment.

Speaker 3 23:35

And for purpose oh my goodness. Well, I'll tell them that I wrote a one woman show at the in my late 60s and performed it five times all over LA up until a month before lockdown. And I was doing that performance as a celebration of my 70th birthday and my show was 70 minutes long. So I was on stage by myself performing and having to memorize all those lines and and running around the stage I had to wear knee braces underneath my leggings.

Speaker 3 24:10

So I you know you have to protect yourself, but and be smart about these things. But the sky's the limit, you know, as long as you keep yourself healthy and and and are logical about the way you handle yourself, there really is nothing you can do, which is also why I wrote a book this year and released it in April. At my age I'm 74, almost every week, somebody I know either passes away or gets diagnosed with some chronic health problem and I really just told myself what are you going to die with this book under your bed in a box? So I pulled it out and I published it in April. So what I'm?

Speaker 2 24:55

hearing is if you have a longing, if you have a desire, just reach in. It's bigger than you. Just do it. Amen. I really want to thank you, joyce. Joyce Fidler is a writer, she's a singer, a university instructor, a special education expert and she's also an actor. Her one-woman show Evolution of a Pisces Baby Boomer played to packed houses in three Los Angeles theaters before the pandemic.

Speaker 3 25:29

And let me ask you Joyce, where can people find you online? What are your links? Facebook at Joyce Fidler and I'm on threads and on TikTok I'm enter.

Aging With Purpose and Passion

Speaker 2 25:58

Joyce, nana, and if you didn't catch those links, don't worry about it, because all those links are going to be in the show notes right here too, and also on my site, which is reinvent impossiblecom. And now, my friends, what's next for you? Are you just going through the motions or are you really passionate about your life? Get my self-coaching tips in your inbox to empower you through your journey, and that link will also be in the show notes as well. You can connect with me, beverly Glazer, on all social media platforms and in my positive group of women on Facebook that's Women Over 50 Rock, and you can also schedule a quick Zoom to talk to me personally. Have you enjoyed this conversation? Please join me next week, subscribe and drop us a review and send it to a friend, and remember you only have one life, so keep aging with purpose and Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 1 27:11

You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossiblecom and, while you're there, join our newsletter Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.