Does Your Home Still Fit You with Kim Costa

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive After 45. I'm Denise Drinkwalter, midlife mirror and mentor, and every week I am so honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together, we uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion, because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire. Have you ever walked into a home you absolutely loved, a home that looked exactly right, and still felt like it belonged to somebody that you used to be? Our guest spent more than 30 years in residential construction, design, and real estate, and kept noticing the same thing. People were choosing beautiful homes that didn't support the lives they were actually trying to live. And then it actually happened to her. She won an essay contest for the Oprah Winfrey Show, and the cameras were headed for her home, and she realized she didn't want them filming inside because the space no longer reflected who she was actually becoming. That's where everything changed. It led her to create the Wheelhouse of Assessment and Lifestyle Foundations, tools that help people see whether their home truly supports the life they're building, especially in these seasons of transition. Stay, move, renovate, downsize, or simply rethink how you use the space that you have. She's a realtor, author, speaker, podcast host, and more than 10,000 people have connected with her message around home, alignment, and reinvention. It is an honor and a privilege to share time, space, and energy with Kim Costa today. Welcome to our show. Thank you, Denise. Wow, what an in- introduction. I'm excited to be here. We are so excited to have this conversation because Our show, Thrive After 45, we know this is a major life transition for women in midlife. I know for myself, I'm not 45 anymore. I'm 62, gonna turn 63 soon, and yet I'm doing exactly what y- the intro shared. I'm looking around the house going, "Ah, I love our house. I love our house." It n- I'm not sure it's m- meeting who I am anymore- Hmm in the same ways. What do I start to look at to discover am I on the mark, am I off the mark on that? Yeah. Okay. Well, the first thing, and I'm not 45 anymore either. I'm 60. And so... But life changes. Life keeps ch- Yeah life is not the same. You know, when you're an adult, you don't just do the adulting thing from 35 to 90, you know? Right. There are sections and reinventions along the way. And so- Yeah our home environment needs to change along this, with those- Right life changes. And so really the first step is who are you right now? Mm-hmm. Not who were you five, 10 years ago. Maybe you're no longer, the mom, the full-time mom. Mm-hmm. Maybe you're retiring. Maybe you got divorced. Maybe, you know, all kinds of life changes happen, especially in our midlife. Right. And so, but it's often a time where those changes force us to pause and reexamine d- what do I want the rest of my life to look like? Hmm. Mm-hmm. And oftentimes- Yeah the home is not reinforcing what we want our next stage to be. So, so what do we do with this? How do we start to- Yeah, so- Yeah. So I mean, honestly, push the pause button and let's clarify. Yeah. Let's do a deep dive into who are you, what are the, what are some things you ha- thought you would be doing and aren't doing. Yeah. Like things that you want to do, things you gave up when you were busy in your career or being a mom or volunteering, whatever the case may be. Mm-hmm. And can we re, introduce those to your life, or introduce those things for the first time if you're just getting a chance to not work full-time or not be a full-time mom, all those things. So what... and so you, you maybe... Let's use an example. I love a story. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So say, say you're, let's say a 60-year-old mom, and- Mm-hmm your kids have gone to college, and the last one is, you know, f- flying the coop and moving away. Yeah And all those things. And you've also, you're kind of getting reintr- reintroduced to your husband. You were a mom for so long. Mm-hmm. Maybe you have a career or a part-time career, or you're not... You were volunteering, you know, like I did. Mm-hmm. Volunteered a lot. Yeah but and you're, you have all this time, and there's a void- Mm now in your life. What are you going to fill the void with? Mm-hmm. Are you going to repurpose one of, or half of the children's bedroom? Hmm. is the basement that used to be the kids' area now going to be your pottery room or your podcasting space or your home office- Mm-hmm where you run a volunteer organization or, reinventing some creative side of yourself that you didn't have time for. Right. Repurposing rooms, I love that. I love that. Or corners of a room. Mm. parts of a room. It's, we do not have to completely reinvent ourself. Now, that's okay. That's what I did. I reinvented everything, starting at age- 45, so I'm a good guest for this. I literally threw the card deck in the air and changed almost everything. Yeah. So, so what... Tell us what led to that, if you would. Yeah. What, yeah. Well, the first thing was that Oprah essay. I was always- Yeah loved to write. I found myself, I had a people-oriented background with human resource development training and mar- marketing, like Salesforce management and, working with people to help them, you know, by selling an item that would help their lives, right? Mm-hmm. So I was trained thoroughly in all of that- Mm-hmm and somehow wound up in accounting, because it was needed. It was a family business. Okay. I'm an extrovert in an introverted profession, in an introverted home. Mm-hmm. Beautiful, beautiful home out in the middle of nowhere. so- Yeah I broke my back riding a horse on my farm, and I'm not a horseback rider, I'm a golfer. Oh. So let's just clarify that, as even my hobbies weren't right. Oh, my. And... Yes. So I had a lot of time as I was healing to really digest, w- okay, h- first of all, how did this happen? My, my- Mm neurosurgeon, who really literally saved me from never walking again, said, "I don't know why you're going to walk again. You must have an angel on your shoulder." Mm. And so I was 35 at the time. One in- Oh, wow a child in kindergarten, a child in the second grade, and so I needed help. Oof. And, you know, I needed a lot of help, and I was stuck at home, not near anybody, and I just had time. I'm like, remember COVID when we all were stuck at home and we had a lot of time to think- Mm-hmm about our lives, and, like, our homes were not quite right? Yeah. That's what happened to me. Okay. But, but in 2002. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Lots of time to think- Okay and lots of time to write, which is a form of processing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. so that's how it all started. It, you know, I didn't wanna upset the family. I knew that I wanted to write and be more creative, but we had a business to run, and my job was accounting. Yeah. And so I stuck with that another 10, 15 years. It was 15 years, really. Okay. but then, but I did start to change things. You know, I got, I did get a divorce, I did move my home, I did change my career, I did start golfing again, a- again, and I did start writing again. Mm. And now that's a huge part of my profession. Wow. Mm-hmm. So take us back to the beginning parts where the Oprah show was coming to the house. Yes. Tell us what happened. Okay, so I was at home- Yeah 'cause I couldn't drive. I couldn't get down the stairs to go anywhere. I was in a walker, barely walking, and I was just writing and, like, trying to do anything around the house that I could reach with a reacher, with a thing. it was painful. It was, you know, I was medicated, all the things. And so I wrote, I was... Oprah was, like, my hero. I mean, she was, you know, live your best life, all that stuff. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I was just religious about watching her every day, and that was really sinking in. Live your best life. Live your best life. And she was kinda like, I couldn't wait till 2:00 till, like, I felt like these are my people. I, like, 'cause I was isolated. So I would watch her show. And so, while I was recovering, and I saw this ad or, you know, on the show that said, "Okay, we're having an essay contest about, divine secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood." the movie, the book and then the movie that came out with Sandra Bullock and all those great act- Ashley Judd, all those great actresses. And I said, "Oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna... I have nothing else to do, I'm gonna write. I'm gonna submit." So I sat in my front office all day, and I wrote it, and I wrote it, and then it disappeared into the ethers, like, 'cause there was no e- there was not a email address. It was her website. Oh. And once I thought I had perfected it, I hit send, and I was like... And then I hit print. Nothing printed out, but it's, 'cause it just wouldn't print what I was submitting. It was just a box- Yeah a big box that I had to fill in. Gotcha. And as I sent it off, I was like, "Okay, we'll see what happens." well, then they called me, and they said, "You've been selected." And I said, "Oh, great." She, they said, "Well, gather up, you know, I think it was five of your friends." And I was like, "Oh, gosh, I need more than that," 'cause, you know, there's a group of friends that I need, like seven or whatever. Okay. So we were going to Chicago, and then she called me back, the producer, and said, "We wanna come film at your house." So there was one group of ladies that was, they were going to film and, like, really delve into that story, and they chose me. And I hung up, and I was, I got this feeling. Oh. And, like, I, like, started looking around my house, and I was, like, in my pajamas so I could barely get dressed. And I was like, "How am I gonna do this? I'm so excited, but how am I gonna let millions of people in my home? I could barely make a sandwich." Yeah. So, I thought about it, and I... And, and I was reading the book finally, 'cause I didn't read the book before I wrote the essay. I just wrote about my friendships. Okay. And it was, part of the book was about a woman who was horribly unhappy in her home. Hmm. And I was like, "Oh, this is... I can't. What did I write in that essay anyway?" Like did I, did I divulge, like- Did I- my secret unhappiness in this beautiful home? People are gonna hate me. Especially my family. Oh. So, but so that was my first, like, wow, I just turned down the Oprah... I just turned down Oprah, like, my hero. And, I was like, something is really wrong with my life if I can't just, if I can't invite- Mm The Oprah Winfrey Show into my home. It's like my dream come true, and to be recognized potentially for my writing skills. Yeah. Yeah. So that was like, yeah, I'm living wrong. There's something wrong here. and I started to evaluate, like, I am lonely here. Mm-hmm. This is way too much maintenance for me. Yeah. 40 acres, ugh, I don't know, five horses, two dogs, many guinea pigs. work, work an hour and a half away. School was 40 minutes. church and yoga, which I desperately needed, were- Mm at least a half-hour. Yeah and so I was like, this is not the right lifestyle for me. Mm-hmm. This is too much. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I have to ask. Yeah. Have you b- have you been in touch with Oprah since about your story? No. No, I figured I, I blew my chance a long time ago. You only- The work you're lucky to get one chance, you know? Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tag Oprah- Oh in the show notes. And we'll see if it surfaces. Hey, she still does a podcast. I have, I have- She does I've invented a process thanks to her for- Oh letting people align with their lives based on who they are. Ooh. And, and yeah, yeah, so. Tell us more. Yeah. Tell us more about that. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, you know, it's the... Because I lived out of alignment for so long, and lived basically for other people- Mm I really had to find myself again. And, you know, that whole live your best life is not live your best life for everyone else. It is live your best life for you. Mm-hmm. And I had lost that somewhere along the way. and so, you know, it's really... The process is about identifying, the first thing is the four Ms. Myself, who am I? I'm an ENFP. I'm an Enneagram. I am an intuitive. I'm an empath. I'm a creative. That kind of stuff. Like w- what makes you thrive? Like really dig in. Yeah. Maybe you're an introvert. Maybe, you know, let's see- Right what you're made of and how your environment needs to set you up for success. Mm. Next is, mastery of the gifts you were given. Mm. What have you mastered? Mm-hmm. And that proves to be both a help to the world and brings happiness. And then your mission is the third M. How are you sharing those gifts to help other people? Again- Mm-hmm self-evident, you know, what, why that's good. And then mates- Right is huge. Who do you surround yourself with, your partner, your friends, your family? Mm-hmm. who do you let in your home? Do they see the real you and support that? Mm. Wow. Wow. So it starts with that, and that's where- Mm-hmm my home was beautiful. I mean, by all accounts, just lovely. And I, and maybe I sent them a photo on email and they were like, "Oh, yeah, let's film there. It's beautiful." Right. Right. But it was, not great for me. Yeah. And how long did it take you to- Come to those realizations, did it happen overnight or was it a multitude of things that happened over time? I th- I think within the next, once I recovered- Mm and I could gain, like, my physical capabilities again and I was, "Okay, no more horseback riding for me. I'm gonna do yoga. I'm gonna..." Couldn't golf yet, but I was, you know, walking and thank God. And, Mm-hmm about two to three years in I was like, "Yeah, we, we have to move. I'm so sorry." Mm. But, you know, to my former spouse and, and the home was great for him, but we disagreed on how we wanted to live. And I think in the end that's what was the demise of our marriage. We had two more compromise homes- Wow and it just, it was just like, "You know what? We, we don't wanna live the same lifestyle." Mm-hmm. "And so let's just, you know, peace to you." Mm-hmm. "Let's go our separate ways after the kids, you know, are going off to college." Took another 10 years of compromises- Mm-hmm that n- you know, no one was happy. yeah. And then, and then from there when I started changing my life, my home changed. Mm. And I decided to become a realtor, and the people that I was helping, their lives were changing while their homes were changing. And so I had a coach help me with the wheel of life in eight different areas. Yeah. And I started noticing with them, "Oh, this is a career, finance, family move," or, "This is a health, environment move," 'cause there's eight different spokes. And it would come up every time. So the method I used to change my life, which a coach helped me with the wheel of life assessing. Right. I ended up subconsciously at first applying to my clients and then came up with a system for people to grade how the home they're living in is, responding to those each areas. Each of the eight areas The eight areas in an- The wheel of life. It's a- And it... Yeah. And they all work together, right? They do. Yeah. Do you want me to name them? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I have my cheat sheet here, 'cause I often miss one. Love it. I, I love it. Yes. I love cheat sheets. Yes. So it's finance- Yeah health, environment, career, romance, fun and leisure, spirituality, and family and friends. Okay. So as one of those areas is changing, that wheel of life could look like a flat tire. Right. And then that's how you know I've graded this area a two, and this next area a three. That's a flat tire. What can we f- what can we fix in the home, or do we have to move? Okay. So you look in the home first, in terms of- Yes change? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Well, in the lives first. Mm. What is changing in your life? L- Sure okay, just got married, having, having a baby, you know- Mm-hmm within the first year, and then we, we really wanna have a, three kids real quick. Well, that condo, that two-bedroom condo downtown is probably not going to work because of family- Mm-hmm and perhaps finance, 'cause you now have two people paying for the home. Right. And you can now afford, you know- Right a four-bedroom home in the suburbs- Mm-hmm in a good school district, whatever the case may be. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And do you find that people do- a smattering bits and pieces- Mm-hmm without even realizing that's what they're doing? you know what I find is they have, if they're moving- Okay they have one big reason. Yeah. Like, What's that? I got transferred for my job, or I'm retiring and I don't have to live close to work anymore. Like, I'm a, I'm a doctor, I'm retiring, and they require you live within, eight miles- Mm but I don't really like the city. I would- Right I wanna, I wanna farm in Tennessee. Right. Whatever the, whatever it is. So it's one big reason. Yeah. But oftentimes people ignore all the other areas because- Yeah they're fixing one big thing, and then they move and there's a problem- in one of the other areas they didn't foresee. Okay. Yeah. Really good information. Yeah. Because I see what you're saying in terms of moving because of one transition piece that's occurring, whether, no matter where you are in the continuum of life, right? Because- That's right when we start looking at moving, there's a reason why that comes into play, right? Yes. And, and sometimes, I have to say nothing- Yeah is ever the same. Sometimes there's a multitude of mid-level reasons. It's, this is, this area's a five, that area's a five. This is a six, this is a seven, that's a three. Mm. It's like, meh. There's no one big reason, but they're just not feeling- Okay they feel like, "What... Like this, I have one life. What, what would be t- a 10 out of 10 in each area?" Mm. Mm-hmm. And, you know, you never find a 10 out of 10 in every single area, but prioritize what area's most important to you- Mm-hmm at this stage of life. Like, before it might have been family and friends, but now they're across the country. Maybe you need to live near an airport because your entertainment is travel. Right. Right. Yeah. Yes. So how has your life changed or how do you want it to change? Right. Right. And let's fix your environment to make that happen. Right. Have you noticed... I, I notice in our area, Ontario, Canada- Mm-hmm a lot of things have changed over time. When we had our family- Mm-hmm and we had the young ones growing up, we stayed closer to home. Yes. Our original homes. Mm-hmm. Now we have children moving- Other countries or across the, you know, across the country, whatever it may be. Mm-hmm. Are you noticing these changes yourself in- Yes. Yeah? I, I am. you know, it's both, it's both ways. I also see kids coming back. Okay. And in one case, a client of mine recently is, a family, all the kids stayed here in the Atlanta area and the parents, you know, move, had to move for jobs and whatnot. Okay. And they finally said, "What are we doing? We need to move. We need to move." They're creating a family compound here. And so I have seen some family compounds- Okay coming up recently because people are feeling lonely. Yeah. And they're happy... and, and unsupported. Mm-hmm. and so in many cases I am seeing a focus back on family once, once family members m- maybe they go away for a little bit to start their career, but I do see them coming back a little- Okay bit more often than maybe 10 years ago. Okay. Okay, that's interesting. Or the, or the parents moving to the f- to the family- Right, right. Mm-hmm Parents picking up and moving because they're maybe got more freedom to do so. Yeah, and like- Yes you know, I s- I have seen on many occasions the multi-generational living. Mm-hmm. now it goes both ways. The parents have some wealth. The children are just starting. It's harder to get a home these days. The average buying age is 40. Mm-hmm. I mean, most people are having children before then, so maybe they have either houses on some acreage or they get a multi-level home, and the parents are in the basement with a full kitchen with some independence. Mm-hmm. But when mom goes to work- Yeah they're watching the kids- Right sometimes. Yeah. Or just help or, or get picking them up from school or things like that. And so it's a, it's a financial, it's family- Mm-hmm and then, and then parents' health in some cases. Right. We're seeing mom and dad, mom and/or dad or both- Mm-hmm moving back in with one of the family or the family members, and they're helping financially to buy a slightly bigger home or maybe in a better district or w- whatever it may be. Mm, mm. And they're, they're pulling financial resources, but they're also creating a common area to be a family unit, and then there's, there's gotta be separate space as well. It can be a granny pod out back. It could be the basement. Right. It could be a separate house. Yeah but it, it's working. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So I bet you there has to be a lot of conversation and communication around those bigger ideas- Yes in order for it to work, right? You said- Yes they still have to have their independence and all of those pieces- Yes I think is a really big piece, yeah. Oftentimes, yes. Yeah. So they're- Yeah so again, it is the home creating spaces for- Mm-hmm independent living- Mm-hmm caregiving, multi-generational gatherings, so there better be a big family room or a big outdoor space in a moderate climate. Right. you know, there, so spaces need to mimic the activities that the family- Mm members want to do, and when the f- the home environment doesn't provide those things, it becomes frustration. Oh, my gosh, they're always in my space. Or we don't have enough room, the kids' table's around the corner, and they're thr- they're throwing food at each other. Or, you know, like- Yeah Yeah, exactly. No, exactly. I, I love what you're saying because it allows us collectively to make decisions based on what we desire. That's right. It, it... every individual person is different. There is no, "What do you see as a perfect home?" I don't s- I see whatever's perfect for that person. Right. I love that. It could be a ranch, because they have- Mm-hmm mobility issues. Yeah. it could be three stories- Yeah for some separation from grandma and grandpa. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Love that. I love that. What you're saying is so valuable because it's going back to what our whole show is about, doing it for you, by you, because of you. Mm-hmm. Because if you don't have a voice at the table for these bigger decisions about your home environment- Mm-hmm and it can even be, as you talked about at the beginning, your own home, but you're using that space differently because there's new spaces available because children have moved out. Right. You even mentioned some, I'm noticing children moving back, so that's- Yes another piece you might wanna consider- Oh, my gosh, yes as you're thinking about- Maybe, yeah. Right? Don't, don't, like, completely remodel that bedroom, because our, our children do boomerang. Right? Yeah. Yes, they do. Exactly. Yeah. Unless you don't want them back, and you've said- Well "I'm so sorry, I've turned that into a podcast studio." It's up to you guys. Yeah. Exactly. There you go. And there it is again, you know? What's gonna be good for you, by you, because of you. Mm-hmm. And in order to know that, you have to do some- bigger questions. You have to really tune into the four Ms that you spoke about it as well, right? Mm-hmm. Right. And those may be changing. Obviously, you know, your mission might be- Mm-hmm in the next, 20 years to be the best grandma on the planet, right? Mm. Mm-hmm. And so it's, that either involves living close by or flying out, and they have a guest room or whatever. Yeah. But there needs to be a space for that role. Yeah. Love that. Mm-hmm. I love that. I love that. How do people get your wisdom? How do we find you? What do we need to do in order to find Kim? 'Cause I need you in my back pocket. Well, good. okay, so, social media, Kim E. Costa. My website, which you can get my book, Live in Your Wheelhouse, it goes through the whole process. Yeah. And my story about Oprah. and that's lifestylefoundations.com. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then the second season of my podcast, also called Live in Your Wheelhouse, is starting up in November. Wonderful. We will have all of this information in the show notes as well for those who are listening and driving and smiling, going, "I want to, I want to remember that." Don't get into an accident. It will be in the show notes. Check it when you're finished listening to the show. We will make sure you can find Kim and all of her resources readily available. And listen to her podcast. I love that. Wonderful. Is there anything that you would love to share with our audience, that we haven't touched upon today in our conversation? Maybe something about when their n- home no longer fits the person that they're becoming. Anything along- Yeah. You know, I think it's important to recognize that, you know, not so long ago we didn't l- live as long as we're living now. Yeah. And we maybe kept the same job and the same house and the same partner for, you know, our entire lives. Many- Mm-hmm many people did. But things aren't exactly the same as that anymore. We're switching careers more often. There's, you know, higher divorce rate and, you know, people change. We are not the same people that we were when we were 22. Mm. We're going to, to, to morph, and we have gifts that we can share with the world. And so after 55, I think that we need to create a mission, a mastery and a mission of what we're good at, and assimilate all of this wisdom to impart to the younger people, because they're not happy right now. Mm. And there's a reason, and I think it's that lack of connection. So I- Mm I would just say to everyone approaching 45 or over 45, you have wisdom- Mm-hmm and stability that will help the younger generation. Love that. So much wisdom in that final, comment there, and I, I love what you're saying about connection. I think you're right there. I think there's a... People feel more connected, but in reality we are more isolated, and I believe it has a lot to do with all the social media and the way- Mm-hmm that whole thing and AI and everything. I ha- it has benefits, but the drawbacks, I think, are much more far-reaching. And so if you are listening to our conversation today, and if you are the one who holds everyone else- I wanna ask you who holds you? Who's connecting and making sure that you're okay? We have these conversations here every week after week, and we are going to be deepening, deepening them in a real-life gathering for women in midlife years called Ignite the Inner Uprising in Vancouver March 23rd and 24th. In two days, 80 women in real conversations in a room where the mountains meet the ocean. First 13 tickets are up on sale right now for $333. Get yours before the price goes up. Come to Vancouver. Come sit in the room. Come connect to yourself and to all of the women who will be gathering. We are here to return and not all about reinvention. We know who we are. We just get to uncover, and as Kim talked about, understand your mission and why it is your mission, because it's attached to who you are as a person. Kim, thank you so much for being here today and helping us to thrive after 45 through a new lens of possibility. I can't wait to go and check out all of your resources. Thank you again, and I'm so glad that you've had the opportunity to be with us today. Me too. Thank you. Thank you