Not Yours to Fix with Judy Kane

Hello and welcome to today's episode of Thrive After 45. I'm Denise Drinkwater, midlife mirror and mentor, and every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion, because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire What if the block holding you back isn't yours to fix, but it's yours to release? My guest today spends her days somewhere most of us never think to look: in the subconscious mind, the place where beliefs form long before we ever choose them. Since 2011, she has sat with client after client, taking out what she calls head trash, not coaching them towards new habits, not handing them tools or strategies. Something much quieter than that and far more precise. Judy Kane is a mindset transformation specialist. Others might call her an energy coach or a facilitator of subconscious change. Her background is analytical, almost technical, rooted in years of IT before this work found her. But when she's in session, something totally shifts. She becomes fully present, totally immersed, as if this is simply what she was built to do. Somewhere between 750 and 1,000 people a year sit across from her wrestling with beliefs about their worth, about their bodies, about their fears, their businesses. She helps them change what's underneath. Nothing more, nothing less. It is such an honor and a privilege to have you on the show today with us, Judy Kane. I am thrilled to be here. Looking forward to the conversation. Help us to understand, how did you get to where you are today? IT, technical, that's one side of the brain. Yeah. How did you how did you get to doing what it is you do now? Well, it's, I started out thinking about subconscious like probably most people. You hear of it, you know it's in the background, but you don't really understand how it might be impacting you, right? Mm-hmm. I saw somebody help my then husband get rid of a pain. it was gone in five minutes. It didn't come back. I was impressed. Whoa. The process they used was very straightforward. It was something my IT brain could get my head around. I didn't have to trust in interpreting messages or feeling where energy was or anythi- you know, it was very straightforward. Okay. But the thing that hooked me the most was the fact that that pain came from a subconscious belief he had. Really? Yeah. And I was just, y- you know, mystified and, and enthralled, and needed to know more because that had never occurred to me before. Yeah. And the possibilities of being able to change these beliefs, you know, the more I learned about how beliefs impact you- Mm-hmm the more excited I got about learning the process to be able to change them. Love it. So where do our beliefs come from? Well, we get most of them by the time we're seven years old. Okay. We, we come in like little sponges, and we- Mm just absorb the rules of engagement wherever we landed, basically. Mm. You know, whatever's gonna keep us the safest in that environment. Okay. So you get them from your immediate family, you get them from other people in your environment, d- and whatever influences you, really. It can be- Mm-hmm ongoing, it can be one experience. But, the Most of them get there by the time you're seven years old, and they control about 95% of our behavior because that's the perception that we build to interpret- Mm everything in the world. You know, what do these events mean? What are those people intending? How worthy am I? All of those things are in there with your subconscious beliefs. There's two things that are coming to light for me right now, just learning that piece. Seven years of age. Most children, not all, but most children by that point in time in their lives have been in a formal institution, we're gonna call it education- Sure in the walls of. And so what I'm hearing you say is those years can impact, up to the age of seven, those foundational beliefs of who a child is. Yes. And what they feel they are and their worth and their... So you also shared it can, it can be a repetitive or it can be a one-time comment. Yeah. Or a look even. Can it be a look? Sure. Oh, yeah. It- whatever impacts the ch- you know, it, it happens to the child, and they're the ones that take it and make it mean whatever it means, right? Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Which is what children do. They're assimilating and making sense of their environment the best way they know how. Is there a way for us to do some incredible work behind the scenes, knowing this information, with young children that will help them change their beliefs and their awareness and their ideals about who they are at a younger age? Is there things we can be doing around that? Absolutely. Mm. I, it... The, the, you know, frequently children, I think, are made to feel like they are not good at some things. Mm-hmm. Or maybe that they aren't worth much, right? And, so the more you can do to give the opposite messages to- Mm-hmm you know, give them confidence. Let them know that they are enough. Mm. Let them know that they are beautiful the way they are, that they have things they can do of value and, you know, that they belong. Yeah. Yeah. When we are talking, now we're talking thriving after 45, so we're gonna go from seven to 45 plus. Yeah. In the intro it was very clear that you tap into, and I'm gonna say that 95% that sits there- Mm that we're not utilizing, you tap into that to help us change the script, as it were? It, it is, and it's very similar to my former background, right? Because people have systems that aren't giving them the results they want. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. Ah-ha. So not as big of a jump from what I did to what I do as it sounds, right? Yeah. Yeah. So what I do is help them find w- where's that set of beliefs that are not supporting what they want to be true, and then we change 'em to... You know, it's like changing code in a program. It... You know, we change it so that they get the results that they're looking for. And does this take a long period of time? Is it independent on the individual? How does this work? Yeah. One of the most frequent questions I get is, "Well, so how many sessions do I need to- to deal with this thing," right? Whatever it is. And other than phobias, I've never had a client take a o- I haven't had to take a full session for a phobia because- Okay they have very few beliefs. There might be an intense reaction, but they're not that many beliefs. They're pretty simple based. Okay. Everything else it... I have no idea how many beliefs are contributing to the situation. Oh. But, but you can usually change any one belief in less than five minutes. So- And- it's fast change Okay Wow. Yeah. And does it stay? Yes. Oh. Yeah, it stays. Yay. Now, now there are caveats to that it stays, right? Of course it, sometimes there are multiple layers. Yes. So you might get through one layer and then find that it, it looks like the same thing, but it's just, it's a little bit more complex than what it seemed. Okay. And sometimes people find that they have situations that they didn't like, but there were secondary benefits to those situations. Can you give us an example? Sure. Yeah. I'll use myself. So- Perfect. most of my younger life, I had, my back would go into spasms, right? Yep. And, and it would, they could last up to a week, and they were very painful. And they were just not anything that you could really work into being a young mother when you had toddlers walking around, right? I mean, the doctors- Mm-hmm said lie flat for a week, and it's like, well- you can't do that when you got little kids running around. Yep. it hurt. It was inconvenient. It was like there were all sorts of things wrong with that back hurting. But it also let me get out of doing things like raking leaves. Mm. It was an excuse to not do some things that otherwise I would have felt obligated to do. Interesting. Yeah. So it, you know, secondary benefits mean it either lets you get out of doing something you don't wanna do, or it lets you do something like take a nap that you wouldn't normally feel entitled to do. Very inter- that makes sense to me. Yeah. That really does, actually. So do you help narrow that so that those- Yeah disappear and it just becomes what is the foundational cause? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we work at w- so what is the benefit of this? Mm-hmm. And then we figure out other ways to- ha well, awareness is frequently the first key. But, you know, if there need to be other ways to get that same benefit, we should- Sure explore that. Yeah. Okay, okay. Do you find, it challenging for people to meet, meet you where they need to meet you in order to be able to do this work? Or is it nothing on the part of the individual and you do all the heavy lifting? That's a good question. they need to wanna change. Fair. Fair. Yeah, totally. They need- Yeah to be able to decide what it is they really want. That's- Yeah w- it's interesting when people come, it's like w- I ask them, "What's going on? What would you rather be experiencing?" Frequently, they're making decisions based on what they want to avoid, but they don't really know what they want. That is very interesting. Yeah. I can see that, yeah. So they have to decide- Mm right? I mean, I can't tell them what they want. Of course. Yes, yeah. So- I imagine the work that you've done over the incredible years you've done this work, that you're very adept at understanding even if they switch the language around, it's really an avoidance rather than a desire, right? Yeah. Yeah, So while I do isn't exactly what I would call talk therapy, it's- Mm-hmm you know, the, the gist of it is actually just changing the belief. But getting to what they want to be true, there, you know, how many, how much of a conversation that takes depends on the person. Of course. Makes perfect sense. It really does. Yeah. if someone's sitting at home right now listening and feeling, and they know. Let's say not, not even feeling, but they actually know they're stuck behind a belief that they can't even name. They know they're stuck. I mean, this is very common for women in mid-life years. "I know there's something more. I don't know what it is." And so they sit in this chasm of think I know, not sure, and so they just stay stuck, right? Yeah. Is there one thing that they could do in the moment to start loosening the grip of not being able to, to come to terms with what it is? Yeah. first, you know, spend some time thinking about... And you said they're stuck, so sometimes this can s- this can be harder than what it sounds like. But start thinking about parts of that that they want to be true. Maybe they don't w- know what the whole thing is. Mm-hmm. But they could think about, well, you don't know what's gonna make this happen, but you know how you wanna feel perhaps. Mm. Mm-hmm. You know? Ta- tackle it whatever way you can- Mm-hmm on something that you know you do want. Right. Right. And then start getting s- building some clarity around that. Mm-hmm. And, and really immerse yourself in it. Sometimes I've seen that change the subconscious beliefs that are involved. If you can, you know, see what it looks like, see what it sounds like, what are other people saying, what are you saying to yourself. That self-talk can be, you know- Huge huge. Mm. and what are the emotions you're gonna be feeling, right? And if you can really immerse yourself in examples of how you want that to look or feel- Mm-hmm sometimes that can do what you need it to do. Love that. Love that. It's, it's a really incredible thing that you just shared there where you do the work, and it's not about what you think, it's about what's really happening. Mm-hmm. So you go, I'm guessing, and help me to understand, but you go from your head more into your, your heart, your emotions. Yeah. Yeah And, and just getting some specifics there, because if you can explain to your subconscious how it looks, how it sounds, and how it feels, sometimes it'll go, "Oh, okay. Let's, let's slide on over into that mode," right? Right. I don't know what it really does. Nobody... I mean- Yeah nobody knows what the subconscious as an entity does, if it has anything. But, you know. Yeah. It- There's clearly work that ha- Well, there's your example when we opened about your husband. Yes. Right? Yes. Within five minutes. Five minutes. And that's the power that we have when you do this for you, by you, because of you, which is our foundational line, our foundational being piece of our show, is to show women the power of giving back to themselves. And so this conversation has been so empowering. Is, is it, is it challenging to untangle, as you mentioned, you know, you might unco- like an onion, you take the one layer off and there's the next layer and the next layer. Is it, is it, is it become Has it ever become so thick that the, the client on the other end is like, "I, I just can't do anymore. Like, I'm done. I don't think this is..." Right? I don't know. Y- you know, every so o- 'cause people have varying levels of, awareness when they are... 'Cause changing a belief is moving energy of, you know, in one form or another. Okay. Yeah. And so people have different sensitivity to energy moving in their body. Okay. Some of them are aware of it. Some d- feel nothing, right? Doesn't mean it didn't work, they just, they don't have that perception. Okay. And so I have had a handful of people go, "Wow, you know, I d- I feel like I just need to go take a nap," right? Or- Yes a- and then some people, a, a very common result is feeling a lot lighter because you're getting rid of resistance. Mm. And when I used to work with people in person, I do all of mine online now, but when I used to have a brick-and-mortar office too- Yeah there was this one woman, and she was giddy. I mean, you know, I told her she had to sit in the waiting room because I didn't think she should be behind the wheel, right? For just sit- Yeah and center yourself a little bit and, you know. Come on back down. Yeah. Really. I mean, it was funny. but typically it's not a painful process. Mm-hmm. And, you know, it... You might want to not do something really, intense afterwards, or you, you might want to. I mean, people vary depending- Of course on that. But, Yeah one thing I will say, it's- Mm-hmm it's not usually emotionally, triggering, right? I've worked with a lot of people with a PTSD background. Okay. And this process does not re-traumatize you. In going after the results that you want. So I, I'm a big believer in not causing more pain for somebody. Thank you for sharing that. I think that is in- absolutely, so valuable because I see and hear of so many women who have gone to different supports over the years and not getting anywhere and just feeling more unraveled. Yeah. And it's like, no, that's not what we're here to do. That doesn't serve its purpose at all. Right. Yeah. or just opening up a wound and then leaving it wide o- it's like... So thank you for sharing that that is not what this is about. So that's- Absolutely great. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. We don't really care, I mean, we care from a concern standpoint. Of course. But, but why the belief is there is irrelevant. We just change it to what you want. Beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. You've got where you are now and where it is you want to be. Yeah. And do you help your clients uncover that if they're kind of muddy in the waters about what they think they want? In the end? Or- Sure. Yeah Okay I've had people come and they just, they know that things aren't moving, but they have no idea why, and they- Okay they're so stuck or overwhelmed that they can't even- Yeah see what might be next. Right. Okay. So we t- Okay we can talk about that, you know? And it- Right you know, we, we're, we're defining the requirements of the system change. Right. Well, you know, I'll ask enough questions so that they can kind of- Yeah get a s- yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Good. Like, because very clearly it's not your role to help them figure out what it is. No. But if they're kind of like, "Well, like this," and then there's all the little pieces, you could nar- help narrow or what, do whatever- Yeah to help go through the right gateway. Look at me with my IT terms. Look at you. Yay. Go, woo. Go through the right gateway. Ask me what it is, and I'm, "I, I don't know." incredible. I, I've never seen or heard of the analogy of it being a system, but I love that because in that case, there is a way to access it, because it does work. Mm-hmm. Otherwise, it's not, it's not out there and you have to have the belief that you believe in the energy, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, if you just put A, B, C, and D in the right order in the right way, which is your skillset, you can make sure that whatever it is that you want to have happen in your life, you can disintegrate the belief systems that aren't getting you there and reintegrate new ones, right? Yes. That's exactly what we do. We just replace... We transform it, replace it, you know? Who knows what actually happens in there. I'd, I'd- Right? try not to get away from theories because they get disproven all the time, but- Right? Fair enough. Can you share a little bit more, you did mention about energy. Yeah. Tell us a bit more so we're really clear on when you're talking about energy. What, what can you explain to us as an audience making sure we're understanding what you mean by energy? Right. So everything is a form of energy one way or another, right? Right. Your beliefs are, y- y- it, it, all your physical movements are. I mean, you know, everything is a form of energy if you- If you define it that, you know, if you take it to that level. Sure. So that's all I was talking about- Gotcha is, is, you know- Okay beliefs are a form of energy as well. 'Cause- Right I used to say, "Well, I don't do energy work," and somebody said, "Well, beliefs are energy." And it's like, well, okay, so maybe I do. Right. Yeah, I think what I'm hearing, which I love, is that, that it, it is a... And, and correct me if I'm wrong, it, it can be a very black and white when you use it the way you're using it, Judy, in terms of there's a belief, you're stuck, everything is building up, your back hurts, you get constant migraines, whatever. That's the outcome of the stuck energy. I have a way to help you get into that subconscious and release that so it can dissipate and, and ultimately disappear. Yeah, exactly true. Yes. Well, let's get you center stage 'cause there are so many in the world that need this right now, Judy. Holy smokes, I love it. I love it. I knew this was gonna be a great conversation. I did too. I did too. This is awesome. Listen, before we close, is there anything you would love to share with our audience that we haven't talked about? There's so much we haven't talked about, but, is there anything in particular that you would love to make sure our audience knows about you, how to find you? We'll make sure we have this in the show notes as well. but yeah. Well, yeah, I, so many people will just accept some situation they've got, saying, "Well, this is just the way I am," or, "Everybody in my family is always like this." Mm. Or, you know, they're... But they're, they're not... They're accepting a situation as a done deal when they don't have to. Mm. And so if- Mm the situation is something that's really not supporting you- Mm doesn't make you feel better, doesn't... you know, is, is not a good thing in the general sense of it- Mm-hmm you don't have to just accept that, right? There are ways to change it, and the way to start would be figure out what you really want. And, and don't doubt that, you know, that could be true. Look at ways to get there. Look at ways to... Look at for, look for the solutions instead of dwelling on that problem. Love that. Love that. Yeah. Because we know when there's a problem, there's always solution. Yeah. The, th- one doesn't sit without the other, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I think what you just shared is really, really great too in terms of where are you going to choose to sit. Do you want to wallow, or do you want to move, right? Yeah. And if you're listening to this show, I know in my heart of hearts that you are a mover. Even if you aren't clear that you are, there's a reason why you're drawn to these conversations, because that's what we do here. We talk about how can you begin to do something for you, by you, because of you, and when you do, your world changes, but those that you are in close proximity to also change without you having to lift a finger, right? Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. You're, you're being a different you, and they become different because of that. Everybody wins, right? It's, what is it, Stephen Covey's Seven Habits or Eight Habits or nine, I don't know how many they have now. Yeah, I know. They keep, they've added at least one. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Habits of Highly Effective People, right? It's a win-win. When you start giving back to yourself and you carry your own umbrella, then you look after you, and that's not egocentric. And we talk about that all the time on this show. When you are able to look after you as well as, or n- maybe even better than you do your loved ones, your best friends, your parents, your kids, all the like, everybody will win, and it's not being egocentric at all. It's, it's that belief system that we've been indoctrinated into since the beginning of time, and in particular, as women. Here's the role, here's the expectation, right? So we're working on changing the belief system, and that's why we have Judy with us here today, to talk about the depth of which that can happen, and the speed of which- Yeah it can occur too, right? Absolutely. Yeah. So good. We will have all of your information in the show notes- Wonderful so that people can find you. Absolutely. And it has been an honor and a privilege to share this space with you, which I knew it would be. And Judy, thank you so much for your time today. It has been absolutely splendid to hear your story and see the alignment that I hadn't seen before about IT and the work that you do, and how clear it can be, because I think a lot of us, tend to think, "Oh, this is too much. It's, it's hard work. It's too..." And we hear that. sometimes we hear that, "Oh, this is the hard work. Oh, you gotta do the hard work in order to rise." And I, I never did agree with it, so you can show us how that's, that's a bit of a misnomer, right? Absolutely. And I've thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. Thank you for inviting me. Absolutely. Have a wonderful day, and make sure that you go out and thrive after 45.