Self Full, Not Selfish

Denise 0:00

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive After 45. I'm Denise Drink, heart whisperer, midlife mirror and mentor. And every week I am so honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together we'll uncover. The whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation and that wisdom that does fuel expansion. What if the very role that shaped you into the strong capable woman everybody depends on, is also the very thing quietly asking you to evolve. There are women who learn leadership in boardrooms, and there are women who learn it long before they ever step into one. Aku MBE is one of those women as the eldest daughter of seven children in a Nigerian household. Leadership was never a title she chose. It was a role that she lived responsibility. Strength carrying wasn't always hers to carry. And for a long time that strength came at quite a cost. A cost that led her through burnout, depression, even homelessness in her early twenties. But what makes kus work so powerful is not just what she lived. It's what she was willing to see, that the patterns that she carried, the expectations she held, the identity that she embodied were not just shaped by circumstance, but by the role she had to learn how to play. When she began to unravel that. Everything changed. She didn't just rebuild her life, she expanded it, creating a seven figure recruitment business and now guiding other high achieving women to do the same without sacrificing themselves. The process as a first born daughter, specialist and founder of the Heal community, Adaku supports women who are successful on the outside, but quietly carrying the weight of absolutely everything, and everyone within women who are ready to grow, not from pressure, but from truth, because what she does know. And what you begin, may begin to feel in this particular conversation is that leadership isn't about how much you can hold. It's about how fully you are able to stand in yourself whilst you lead ku. I have a feeling that this conversation is going to land in places that many women. I didn't even realize they were ready and that, that this was time to be seen. So welcome to our show today. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to get stuck in. I love that. Stuck in. I love that. Let's get stuck in, I say when you're in the room, be in the room. Mm-hmm. Same concept, isn't it? It is. So give us a little bit more of your background to help us understand the depth with which you come to your ability to support women in their leadership roles. Clearly a family of seven, it's a busy place to be. Tell us how all this evolved. Huh? Busy. Yeah, that's one way to describe it. Um, yeah, I was born in Nigeria. I left Nigeria when I was six years old, and my mom moved to London by herself with um, three of us. I'm the second eldest. I have an older brother, and um, she was pregnant with my little sister, so she had. The fourth on the way, and very quickly she went from live in a very abundant lifestyle where she was a kept woman to struggling in London as a supply teacher, single mom, trying to support kids, and it was really hard. So when she had work, there was money. When she didn't, she kind of supplemented on credit cards. Which eventually caught up on her. So, um, one thing I'm grateful to my mom for giving us is the gift of meditation. So by the time I was eight years old, she would get us to meditate on a daily basis before we left the house, before we ate. And we used to have quiet days every Sunday. And she would say to us, whatever answers that we have or questions we have, the answers exist within. And the way to access that is through silence. So that was kind of the bedrock of my, well, the beginning of my. Personal growth or spiritual kind of practice. Yeah. Um, and then as things progressed, things kind of got worse and worse. Bailey would come and clear out the house. So we had a house but no furniture. Um, and we would go days without food. No electricity, no gas for months on end. So we were wearing outdoor jackets inside and it just felt hard all the time. Mm-hmm. And I remember thinking quite early that I had to do something to help my mom because mm-hmm. It's not fair that my mom and my siblings are suffering in this way. So, um, as a result, I would kind of look out for opportunities. I would get asked to babysit. Sometimes children that were older than me, I would braid hair. Of my sister's friends and get paid by their parents. And every time I would get paid, I would give them money to my mom, put gas on the electric, uh, put money on the electric or gas, um, buy food, et cetera. So responsibility kind of started really early. I signed off my childhood. My mom, um, divorced. My dad got me remarried and her partner became schizophrenic three months after they got married. And she felt like that was her punishment for divorce and my dad. Oh, wow. So she ended up, yeah, it was quite the, anything that you can think could happen, happens or all at once. Um, so chaos, busyness, it was an understatement. Um, yeah. So she became, he's full-time carer and I became the mom, so I would. Do homework with my siblings. I would cook, I would clean and then try to make time to do my own homework. And so I pretty much kind of consumed the mom role while um, my mom was caring for her partner. Um. And she ended up having three more children with him. So I just kind of felt like I was the mother of, of six children 'cause uh, or five children. 'cause my brother kind of did his own thing and I think that pretty much shaped me. Mm-hmm. I always say sometimes it's easy to look back and feel sorry. And there are times when I'm still working through things that happened back then, but. The leadership, um, experience I have the ability to be solution oriented, the ability to deal with pressure and stress, that kind of all came from that training. So there's a lot to be thankful for, for that role. But. Um, yeah, I am learning how to become a child again and, and bring play into my life and other things like that. So that's kind of the details of that time and how it kind of has led to where I am now and helping other firstborn daughters or eldest daughters that typically take on a lot of responsibility and forget themselves in the process. It's so, so incredible that. All of what you have gone through over the years to become whom you are today, the pressure, I couldn't even begin to imagine what that would have actually felt like. Do you, when you look back over time, is there ever a time where you think. You know, that pressure didn't break me. It made me, and as a result, I'm able to support people in a way that I never would've imagined otherwise. I don't know what's coming up for you. Um, it broke me. Okay. In my mid twenties, I, I fell into depression and I had a couple failed suicide attempts, but I needed to be broken to go on my healing journey. Um, but now that I am, I've. Done the work and kind of let go of some of the limiting patterns and beliefs and seen the results in business success and, um, repaired relationships. I do feel like I have a wider capacity to help women because regardless of what they come to me with, there's nothing that's too intense, too strong, too fragile to, I've kind of dealt with a huge spectrum, which allows me to meet multiple women in different places that they are in their journey. So. I do think it's a benefit after the fact. Absolutely. Thank you for that clarification. Yeah, totally. Totally understand what you're saying there. So thank you for that and I am so grateful and the world in general is so grateful for what you are doing to support women in what, like you share whatever is going on, you know that they can get through it and you've got a lens and. An ability to help them heal, as it were, to show them the, the powerhouses that they really are as individuals, right? Absolutely. I do think that everyone that has a firstborn daughter in their lives is lucky because they're exceptional women. They tend to have the capacity to hold so much to show up, so, um, fully, um, and to be so generous probably to their own detriment. Um, and sometimes they don't take time to celebrate or acknowledge themselves. Pour that energy into themselves. So that's, yeah, that's my mission. To help them give from a full cup and an overflowing cup, because yeah, they have so much impact to give only after they have. Heal themselves. So it's, it's so interesting. That's the premise of our show, is to do this for you, by you because of you. When we do what you are sharing to fill our own cups, first, we know the lingo, we know put your oxygen mask on before you help other. We know all of that. We think we do it, but in actual fact. Do we do it? What types of things do you help women see upon reflecting that, you know what? I think I am, but I'm not really. You're right. You nailed it. I, you know, I have my, I have my name on the list of things to do and make sure I take care of, but I never get to my name. How do you help women move that needle so they actually fulfill. Their cups first. So a lot of the times when women start working with me, when it comes to doing things for themselves, they say, well, I don't wanna be selfish. Yeah. And then, um, I help them see that they are actually being selfish in the way that they're doing things because. A lot of the times when you're given from an empty cup, you need something back, and I usually use the metaphor of a rich man versus poor man. If a homeless person had $5 in their pocket and it slipped out of their pocket and they lost it. They're gonna be panicked and they're gonna be like really agitated and scared and needing because that money is significant. Whereas a millionaire loses $5 from their pocket is no dust off their shoulder because they don't need it. So that scarcity makes us need something to replenish. So when. Give and give and give and our body's telling us to stop and we can't sleep and we're stressed and we're almost at the burnout. We start getting resentful. Well, they don't appreciate what we've done, or I need, um, validation and acknowledgement for how I've shown up. Because we are given from empty. Whereas if we give to ourselves and check within ourselves so I have the time, the resources and energy and say no, when we don't, then when we do give, we don't actually need anything back. So I say that it's selfish to give from an empty place because you're doing it to get something back, whereas it's self full to give from an old. Overflowing cup because then it's like, oh, it's no, no dust off my shoulders. I don't, I don't need anything back. I have more, more than enough. So it's integral to give to yourself and it's self full, not selfish to focus here first before giving out. So what I'm hearing you say is I'm nodding away. For those who are not watching on YouTube, I am nodding my head going, oh, you are speaking our language here. So what you are not doing is giving for the sake of receiving. You are giving because your heart knows this is whom you are. This is what you are about, and you know yourself to the depths that nobody else can strip away. Yes. Um, there's a slight nuance 'cause given feels good, but when they're just, there's a little, um, pendulums tip where it. Goes into, um, I don't have this to give and therefore I'm resentful that people are taken from me. And then the narrative is usually people take advantage of me. No one appreciates me, no one asks what I need. When you get into that point, you, you're not given from a full place. So it's, yeah, it's more around, um, 'cause I, I think sometimes the subconsciously we can think that we're. Oh no, I, I do this 'cause I love to do this and we're not seeing how we are given from a place of empty. So how do you help our listeners see that difference? Is there something you can share where you will help our listeners go and they can go, oh, thank you for that reflection. I'm gonna take pay attention. Yeah, I think it's, um, what we touched on earlier in terms of, um, what are you saying about the people that you're given to? So if you are given to people and you're complaining in some way that they don't appreciate you, they don't show up for you in the same way. Um, they don't, um. Acknowledge the, the, um, given that you're doing that is an indication that you haven't, you didn't have it to give because you need all of those things in, um, response to give. Uh, also, if you are giving and you are resentful, if there's like a sense of. Why do I always have to do this? And this isn't fair. That's also an indication that you haven't checked in with yourself and made sure that you have the time, resources, and capacity. Mm-hmm. To give. So it's really around tuning into your emotions when you give and asking yourself, do I feel expanded or am I contracting? Is there like a low vibrational emotion, whether it's anger, frustration, irritation, linked to that act. Love that. Yeah. Perfect. And that is very, um, what, what's the word I'm coming up with? Very easy to reflect upon, right? How does it feel in your body if you've getting that tension of a negative vibe, like, oh, but yes, but then clearly there's more work you get to do around this. Yeah. Wow. Exactly. Love it. Um, what begins to shift in life in business when a woman releases the need to prove and starts leading from their truth? Everything. So, um, when you need to prove, you are kind of pushing and forcing and, um, everything is hard and heavy and which is why burnout tends to be the common end game. But when you are relaxed in who you are, when you are trusting that everything is gonna work out when you're given from a place of being full. Things just seem to line up. Opportunities seem to flow to you. So I've had clients that, one of my, um, clients that I've now partnered with in business, she was in business for nine years and she was making 160,000 a year. And was working her socks off. Um, she had three, two kids, a husband, and she was working all hours. God send, and then within eight months of doing work together and just unwinding all of the patterns and the different ways that they show up and how she was forcing and controlling and all of the things, she grew her business at 800,000 in that eight months. And then now she's surpassed that she's at a million and she's on her way to 2 million and she's working less. You know, so it's that just kind of demonstrates a power of when you start being intentional and looking at where am I coming from in these like little tasks just throughout the day that I'm doing, and how can I intentionally shift it to aligning to something more expensive and present and grounded and coming from a place of I am worthy and I am enough and I don't need to prove, and everything starts shifting and included. Her relationship with her children the way that she shows up in her marriage, it just kind of has a ripple effect in all areas of life. Is there a quote unquote starting point that those who are listening are going, you know, I read about this all the time. There's all these things that are out there. I never know how to start. This journey other than connecting with you and saying, help me through this journey, because this is the beautiful work that you do. But is there something that you can share with our audience where they can go, oh, okay. So the steps are simple. Um, the application, I'll explain why the application might be a little bit difficult. Steps are simple. The first baseline is emotions. Your emotions are always letting you know when you're operating from your survival mechanism. Or when you are operating from your higher self. There's always a part of us that when we are completely present, thinks I can do anything. I can see my potential, I know what I'm capable of producing, and then all of a sudden we'll go into. Am I the person? Do I think I'm stupid? Are people gonna judge me? Or so that part of us is, 95% of our makeup is our subconscious mind. So we need to get into the subconscious mind, see the stories that are there and unwind them the way that we do. That is what we touched. Earlier our emotions. So whenever, uh, your subconscious mind is designed to keep you safe, and in order to keep you safe, it has to anticipate potential dangers in your everyday world. So it's constantly making you react in fearful ways throughout the day. It is in order for you to anticipate. I shouldn't have that conversation. I shouldn't take that action. I shouldn't go over there, or I shouldn't make that phone call because I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to. Be shown that I'm unworthy. I don't want to, um, like fall into a trap, whatever the case is, we're constantly anticipating all of the potential dangers and trying to protect ourselves from it. So every time we experience a lot of vibrational emotion, like, oh, I'm frustrated, what's coming up? And ask ourselves. Our brain is like a computer. If we say like, what am I, what story am I buying into that's bringing up this fear, it will give us the answer. So what I do with my clients is get them to monitor how many times they're triggered during the day. Usually when they start working with me, they're, I'm probably triggered about twice, and then by the end of the time they're working, it's like I'm triggered all the time. We're so numb to it. Yeah. So the first thing to do is become unn. See all of the ways that your mind is anticipating danger. And then with each of every trigger, there's an opportunity to get to the root of what's happening behind there. Bring it to the forefront and ask yourself, is this real based on the facts of what's occurring in real life? And then that's what starts to give you power to say, I know my mind wants me to do this. But I can see that it's not in alignment to where I wanna move and it's not real. So I'm gonna ignore that and I'm gonna take this action. And every time you take a new action from a new feeling, it interrupts that pattern and you just keep taking that action. And that's what breaks the loop and then allows you to be free of the, the, the constant, um, pattern over time. So that's the formula and that's where to start. The application is like the discipline of really tuning into your emotions and tracking it each day. So, um, when people work with me, I break down those steps week by week just to work the muscle of, okay, let me just get used to seeing it first. Okay, now let me build on it. And how, how can. Separate myself from the emotion and the thought from the present. Now how can I question it? So it's kind of a you, I train people into, um, the ability to do that, but it's the, but those are the steps. That's how you can, amazing. And I can only imagine that not having support such as yourself, you aren't actually as capable. Of doing it yourself because you don't see your blind spots. Yeah. It, well, that's the thing. 95% of everything you do is unconscious. Right. So it, it is, it's possible to do it yourself. It's just harder. Okay. And it takes longer because you, you don't have someone saying, Hey, you think that you are aligned, but no, this is why you know, so beautiful. And I suspect that's why, um, the individual that you shared, who you're now partnering with. Hers was a turnover in an eighth month span instead of three years or long, whatever. Right? Like Yeah, exactly. She had had her business for nine years. Yeah. She's been the mental health space. She's been getting therapy and nothing shifted. And then within eight months it was a whole different business, a whole different person. So yeah, that, yeah. Love that. Mm-hmm. And that's what's available to everyone, right? Everyone? It's available. It's just sitting in, wait for you to be able to marry not only what you are sharing in terms of the strategies, but I think it's really invaluable to make sure that you have someone like yourself. Who can help you through, step through it in a way that makes sense for you. So it really lands and things start shifting, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And also having a community of other people who are doing that work to say like, what was your experience and how did you overcome this? And you know, so That's so helpful. Yeah. So for the women who are listening who are feeling this in their mind, their heart, their body, their soul, and their like. How do I get on a DOAs train? How do I find you? We will have it in the show notes, but can you share like how people are able to access you and see if they're a match for your support? Absolutely. Um, they can find me on my website, which is www.healedhero.com. Um, and they're. I'm growing the, um, firstborn daughter community. So if they go to the community option in services, they'll be able to apply and get on a call with me and see if it's a good fit. Um, so that would be the best way. Perfect. So you do work virtually. I do. Yes. Yeah. Perfect. Thank you. I know some people don't and, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it just means that you have to be super close to somebody. So thank you for, for sharing your time, your gifts, your talents every day. Is there any message you would love to share with our audience before we move into our close today? Um, I would share that. I th this is really kind of, it can be woo woo, the saying that everything is happening for you. It really is. I think sometimes we stay stuck in loops because we're thinking that we're powerless. Instead of looking at actually how is this experience serving me and what is it teaching me that I haven't learned? So I always, um, advise people to lean in. You know, it's like if you could. Take a deep breath and just muster the courage to lean into what you're being faced with and ask yourself like, how have I grown or what have I learned from what's occurring? It releases the tension and it gives you this new power and strength to say, okay, well this, with this new skill, how can I overcome it? And then again, your brain will answer the questions that you ask it. So, um, so yeah. So the first thing is lean in to your circumstances and everything has happened. For you, and it's an opportunity to grow. And then the second thing is your life is going to be a reflection of the, the, um, quality of questions you're asking yourself. So if you ask your brain to work with you to help you overcome and come up with solutions, it will follow your command. I love that. And you know, that just absolutely taps back into when you do this work for you, by you, because of you, you are empowering yourself beyond measure. And as you move into this work and do it. From the heart center and use the questions like you shared in terms of really asking those deeper questions, things will shift and you won't believe your eyes. Right? Things will happen so incredibly, and thank you as well for sharing that. You are still like there is no, uh, what I call, there is no finish line, right? So it's not like I have it all figured out. Come on over here. No, there is no finish line because we are constantly receiving information all the time. It's just how available we are to access and ask those value valuable questions that we get to ask. Absolutely. I am, yeah, it's, I always say that life is like a computer game. There's like. Infinity levels. And once you overcome one thing, it's just like, oh, I've arrived at this new problem that I have no idea about. And then it's about trying to figure that level out. So there's always something to expand into until you become right. And you know what, I've, I share this all the time and, and I'm gonna share it again. I believe that we are always. Learning, no matter what it is and who we, um, greet and meet and talk with. There's always learning opportunities within every connection, every conversation, every thought that we have. And so when I take my last breath, that's when I believe my learning will stop. And until then, this is what we get to do here in this world. And why not, right? So what makes life fun, right before and otherwise. Absolutely. Yeah. I love it. Thank you so much for being here with us today. I so appreciate you. I so love the work that you do. Thank you. We are, are so blessed to have you supporting Oldest Daughters in the World. What a gift. What a gift. And I thank you. Thanks for having me. Yeah, for sure. And I, I truly do believe that those who are meant to hear. Listen, um, understand our conversation today we're meant to. There's no other way around that. So thank you again for being here with us. And before we do close, I want to share something gently and yet. Clearly that this November I am hosting a live in-person experience called Ignite the Inner Uprising, and it's gonna be a two day immersive experience for women. A room full of women are going to come into this room. Women who are feeling a pole towards something more truthful, embodied more fully themselves. It's an extension of these types of conversations that we have right here in Thrive after 45. It's where reflection becomes embodiment and in insight becomes integration where women have held so much for everybody else, we start to gather and stand fully in our own sovereignty. So if something stirred in you today, if your body started to lean in, like AUC has talked about, that isn't accidental. The wait list is open, so if Ignite feels like something your future self would thank you for. I invite you to add your name to learn more as things evolve. The link will be in the show notes as well as the contact information for aa. And as always, follow share. Leave us a review so more women can find these incredible guests with such gifts to offer. Have a wonderful rest of your day and make sure that you thrive after 45. Okay.