Stop Outsourcing Your Joy with Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming

Denise 0:00

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive After 45. I'm Denise Drinkwalter, heart whisperer, midlife mirror, and mentor. And every week, I am so honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together, we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion, because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire. What if the one day a year that's supposed to be entirely yours has actually been quietly stealing your joy? My next guest has spent over 40 years studying that very question, and she has some answers. It started when Tamar was just three years old, paying close attention to how her birthday felt. And by age 20, she realized something that most of us never do, that a happy birthday doesn't just happen. You have to create it yourself. That insight sparked four decades of observing, analyzing, and having very deep conversations with people about their birthday experiences. And what she has discovered is that so many of us carry hidden birthday issues, patterns rooted in childhood that cause anxiety, sadness, quiet disappointment every time our big day rolls around. Some of us don't just fail to celebrate ourselves, we actually sabotage any joy that tries to show up. On her birthday in January of 2024, Tamar published How to Have a Happy Birthday, a book and companion book- workbook that has since reached tens of thousands of people through national media, countless podcasts, and direct coaching. Her message is very simple and super powerful. Your birthday is the most spiritual and most powerful day of your year, and you deserve to actually enjoy it Please join me in welcoming the one and only Birthday Coach in the world, Tamar Hurewitz Fleming. Did I say it right, Close. Close enough. Tamar Hurewitz Fleming. Uh- But you're good. Okay. It's still me. Thank you. It's you. Oh my gosh... When we met originally, I was like, "This is gonna be an interesting conversation," because I started contemplating birthdays and watching my grandchildren so excited, "My birthday's coming up. My birthday's coming up." What in the world happens from when we're children to when things, the wheels start falling off? Give us some of your details and information of things that have happened that you've learned. It's a great question, and there's a lot of different answers to that, but I think the simplest one is that, what you just said. When we're children, we're really excited about our birthday. Why? Because our parents, our family makes a big deal about it. "Your birthday's coming. We're getting you cake. We're giving you a party and gifts." And we, who do- what kid doesn't want that? So we get excited. It's hopefully a happy birthday. And then what happens is we become older. We move out of the house. And typically, our parents don't hand us a baton and say, "Okay, I celebrated your birthday for you. I put all that energy into it for you. Now it's your turn to do it for yourself. I'm not gonna be around doing this for you every single year. We're not gonna have pinata parties when you're 23, unless you choose to make that happen for yourself." And so we grow up and we think, oh, we somehow maybe it's our first year in college, or- we're out of the house, and, or maybe we're just a teenager at home and our parents are just like, "Okay, you're a teenager now." Yeah. "We're not doing the big stuff." And we start to get this message like, oh, maybe that's just for kids. Maybe my day isn't really what it, I thought it would be. no one's here to make a big deal out of it. We really outsource our joy on our birthdays. When we're raised having our parents and our family and our friends do it for us, we just assume that's what's gonna keep happening. And then when we don't get the memo that's not gonna keep- happening for the rest of our life, we start to get disappointed. We have big expectations- Yeah just like when we were kids, and they get dashed, My, my worst birthday was actually when I turned 18. I write about it very early on in my book. and that was my first year away from home. A freshman in college, and- Okay I was... 18's a big milestone age. Baby of the family, four kids. And I woke up, I had no birthday plans except to receive all the phone calls that were gonna come that day wishing me a happy birthday. Okay. I literally waited by the phone. Oh, no. The phone, s- the phone calls never came. My family forgot me. It was devastating. It was devastating Oh my gosh. It was not fun. That's all I had planned. my family's gonna call. "Hi," "Hi." Didn't happen. And and this is way before cell phones, this is way before... You know- Sure even though it didn't matter 'cause they still wouldn't have called me even with a cell phone. But the point is- a really d- it was, it was a devastating moment for me. And unfortunately, it reinforced ideas I had about myself, that I wasn't really that lovable, I wasn't that important, right? Yeah. And so that was tough. But fortunately- when I turned 20 two years later, another milestone birthday- I was, living abroad in France, my junior year abroad. Woke up on my birthday, still didn't have plans, but I was far away from home and I knew that there was no one there to do it for me- Right even with the time change, right? And so I said, "Oh, today's my day. I'm taking the day off class." I walked through town. I bought myself a fancy bottle of French perfume as a birthday present. I couldn't afford it, but I did it anyway. I had some friends- over for cake later, and I had the best birthday of my life- Yeah because it was the first birthday where I took charge of my day and made it be what I wanted it to be. And I wasn't passively waiting for the phone to ring. So that's a long answer to your question of the kinds- I love it of things that can happen- from when we're children and excited to when we're older and we're disappointed- or hurt, and start to shut down our birthday expectations. I love that. So what you're talking about, the outsourcing- Yeah that's exactly why we run this show. This is exactly why we have these conversations, because we have been conditioned to outsource everything. And with social media, how I get my dopamine hits and how I get my energy back and how I think, this is perceived, is through the validation from outside instead of building our own, which is what we talk about. We get to do our birthday for you, by you, because of you. Yeah. Right? Exactly. Exactly. Your birthday is a major holiday. It is a major- Yeah holiday, and you're the one who should care more about it than anybody else. And you need to plan for it. You need to think about it at least a month in advance, take the day off work if you can. you don't wake up on Thanksgiving and say, "Okay, what's for dinner?" Yeah. "And who's coming," right? Yes. Very good. Same thing should be true for your birthday. Yeah. Start thinking about it at least a month in advance and build and let that be so that when the birthday comes, it's gratifying and as meaningful as, as the other major holidays in your life that matter to you. Do you find that as we age, because we all do, from infancy, every day is an aging day. do you find when people are hitting milestones where they notice their friends are no longer around? And that could be any age, right? But that midlife, 'cause that's who we speak to or speak for. midlife, 40, 50, 60, those are big o- 19 is a big one for a lot of reasons around certain areas of the world, right? Where you can have the independence and if you want to start to legally drink you can. 16th birthday that, you know, is attached to your license if you wanna drive in our area, that kind of thing. do you notice anything as people age and they get older, the celebrations change, they beco- they start to celebrate where they didn't be- is there anything that you've noticed about that? I think everybody's different, right? Yeah. We all have our unique birthday- Sure experience and our unique birthday journey. I think milestone birthdays are a big deal, and they can really highlight where we feel amiss- because we're not taking charge of our birthday and we know a big birthday's coming, so a lot of us actually just "I'm gonna duck. I'm not gonna do anything." Or we do something really small even though we wanna- Yeah do something big. And so I think milestone birthdays, especially as we get older, right? Yeah. In the middle ages and older, I think they're a really powerful time to ask yourself, What would bring me joy? What is it that I wanna do to start this new decade of life?" Yeah. Think of it almost like a, you're casting a beautiful spell for the coming decade. Ooh. How do I wanna invoke... What kind of energy do I want to invoke on my birthday of this big milestone? I know when I turned 50 I really wanted a big party. I wanted the disco ball and the DJ. I had never been married up to that point, and I wanted a big party like you kinda get when you get married. And, I was gonna do that except nine months before my birthday I got engaged, so I was gonna be having that big party, so I ended up having a smaller party, but I still wanted a party. I still wanted a party when I turned 50, and I got that party and it, and it- Yeah and it worked for me. Turning 60 however, I just turned 60, in January. Boy, 60 is great, let me tell you. That's a whole 'nother podcast. 60 is awesome. Who knew? Oh, I know. Who knew? Gosh. boy, really powerful. I decided I didn't know what I wanted, and that was hard for me because I- should know, right? I, but I'm, I've got my own birthday journey just like everybody else, and every year it's different. My husband and I decided I wanted to go to India, so we did a 10 and a half week trip to India. We just got back a month ago. And it was a great way to commemorate this coming decade because I do see this being a decade of adventure and travel- while I still have time left to do it. Yes. Yeah. 'Cause to me that's what 60 represents. You still have enough time, but not a whole lot, right? Yep. You still have energy, but maybe not as much as you're gonna have when you're 70. So that's what that milestone birthday represented to me. And when I decided to go on this big adventure, that was the symbolic gesture of what I hope the coming decade brings me. And so I was using my birthday as a portal really- to come through into a new era for myself. Yeah. A portal. And I love what you're saying in terms of it's this new starting gate. right? For opportunity and change, and so your energy is all focused that way. Now, do you now, throughout the next year, the next years following, do you continue to give back to yourself and plan things because you've started that portal, because you've entered that portal? How do you do it? Yeah. You know, every year is different. And so about six week- I, y- about s- right around... my birthday's January 9th, so right around Thanksgiving I start thinking- about my birthday. okay, it's coming. No pressure yet, but what do you wanna do? Feel your way into it. Sometimes my birthday's as simple as, going out to breakfast with my sister and going to a museum with my husband- and having a nice dinner. but whatever it is, it's whatever the- whatever recipe I come up with, I do start thinking about six weeks in advance. And every year it's different, and I never know what mood I'm gonna be in, Exactly. I love that. And where I'm gonna even be. I travel. I don't even know what- city I'm gonna be in. Yeah. Love that. That's a, that's an opportunity for adventure, and yet you're taking the lead on it no matter what- Yes which I love. Exactly. And I wanna talk about... can I talk about- Yes and maybe you were gonna get to this, but I think it... you mentioned something early on in the introduction, great introduction by the way, thank you, about how, we feel the birthday blues. Yeah. And, we talked about some of those things, but, we also do subconsciously sabotage our birthday joy. Yeah, tell us about that. And that's something, I feel like there's a spectrum. Okay. Either birthday positive or birthday negative, or somewhere in between on that spectrum. And for the people that don't like their birthdays, they skew to that, they're really hoping that their birthday comes and goes as quickly as possible, because it's like- Yeah a big wave of energy that's coming. They're feeling it. They're dreading it. They have the birthday blues. They have anxiety. They have emotion. They're sad. They just wanna duck and hide. I know a woman, actually a podcast host I was... spoke to last year, who canceled her birthday plans, and it was actually a milestone birthday. She just- it just got to a point where it's like, "I can't do this." And she, when we talked about it, she uncovered some of her hidden wounds from childhood that- Yeah planted the seed that she really wasn't worthwhile celebrating on her birthday. Her birthday coincided with fishing season, and, her dad would go fishing and not really celebrate her birthday. So that kind of message from a young age can really train us to think, "Eh, not that important, and I don't wanna set myself up." So the sabotage that we do, it can be really subconscious. Yeah. And, there are many ways that we sabotage our birthday joy. Is it okay if I talk about a few of them? Yes, please do. So the first thing we do is we pretend our birthdays don't matter. It's just another day. When I hear people say that, I'm like, "Big red flag. It's not just another day. It's the day your life began." You are a miracle. The fact that you're here at all is something worth celebrating, and your birthday represents the day your life began. That matters. It's not just another day. It's a powerful- day. It's a spiritual day. So acknowledging that your birthday matters is really key. I hear people that, don't make plans. They think, "Oh, I'm just gonna be spontaneous." then they wake up and they ask their friends to join them for dinner or lunch or drinks or after work. "Hey, sorry, I'm not available." Right? So they've subconsciously created, "See, my birthday's not that important- Yeah people aren't available for me," right? So not planning is another way that we sabotage our birthdays. Yeah. picking fights with people close to us right as our birthday's ready to come. I've noticed that is a very interesting thing that happens. I've had a lot of head nods from people around this one. I bet. Just as your birthday's coming, we're very sensitive, we're emotional, we're feeling the spirit change around the fact that our day is coming, and especially- if we have issues around it. And whereas, if your partner or your friend or your colleague says something to you that normally you would just blow off, suddenly, "I gotta process this. I need to talk about this. I'm not letting this one go." And you get into this kind of mood, and you get into a heavy conversation- and it brings your energy down, just in time for your birthday. So when your birthday shows up, you're like, "Yeah, I'm not in the mood. I just got in a big fight with my partner because, they didn't take the trash out when I asked them to, and it's a- frequent pattern and enough already. I had to just let them know how I felt," right? So, so, so that's something that we do. Yeah. So there's just these things that we do without even realizing it, and for people that might hear themselves in these words- I just wanna say I see you, I know you, I hear you, and I support you. You do not ever have to have another birthday that feels, sad. Yeah. And you never have to feel anxious again. You get to look at your birthday like it's a, a day to yourself. Who doesn't want a day to themself? You don't have to have a party with friends and cake if you don't want it. Some people don't like the attention. Yeah. But do you wanna go on a solitary hike? Do you wanna go to the spa? Do you wanna go to a movie? Do you wanna have friends over for tea? What do you wanna do that would bring you joy? Do it on your birthday. Allow yourself to do it on your birthday. Yeah, and the thing that I think is absolutely amazing is that you are giving permission for something that happens annually. Yeah. So, and it's not a surprise. You know the date. Let's hope. there's- Yeah some things here that are already pins in the ground, and they're not changing, so everything is on a plate ready for you to put on whatever smorgasbord you want to feed from for your special day, because you are special. You're here. Yeah. Yeah. Came through the world. And this one day a year is really important. Why? Because it's just one day a year. Yeah. A lot of us are people pleasers, and when we're people pleasers, a lot of us don't know how to press the pause button and put up the boundaries and put ourselves first. We feel guilty, we feel uncomfortable. Oh, yeah. We don't know how to do it. Consider your birthday the one day a year you get to practice putting up the boundaries and putting yourself first, and here's why that will work for you. Because everybody will let you have your birthday. Everybody lets you have your birthday because they've got one too. It's an equal opportunity provider. We all have one. So we're all happy for other people when it's their birthday. Even if you don't like your own birthday, you're generally happy for other people. we just instinctively know it's a big day for the person. So having that one day a year is a really good opportunity, to practice putting yourself in the center of your life and seeing what that feels like. And for people that are willing to practice having a happier birthday the next time around, practice is the word, right? Yeah. Don't think you're gonna go from zero to 60 right away. You might. Hooray if you do. But just giving yourself... I spoke with a woman, a few years ago, and she didn't like her birthday, and after, she actually read my book and we talked about it- she realized that for her birthday that was coming up, she wanted to buy herself a special cake. So that's all she did for her birthday, and it was a big deal- that she did that. Yeah. And then the next year she ended up, having some friends over for a barbecue. And then she finally said on this most recent birthday, "I finally realize that birthdays are important." And I was so gratified to see that- Nice development within her, and it started with her just trying to honor herself by buying her favorite cake. Yeah. And so the small steps that we can take to honor ourselves, to celebrate ourselves, to let ourselves have a joyful day, they do add up and they do become important the more you try and do them. I love that. Consistency over time builds- Yeah capacity, right? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Your book, it would make an excellent birthday present. Yeah. So what if you give it to somebody on their birthday? Is that too late? Yeah, actually, it is. I think it is too late to give my book to somebody on their birthday because they're gonna have to wait a whole year to put it into practice. And so I think a great time to give... I think my book does make a great birthday present. There's also a companion workbook with questions- that are very thoughtful and help- you dive deep if you're willing to do the work- to investigate what some of your birthday issues are. Not just what your birthday issues are, but what some of your issues around aging are. Maybe we can talk a little bit about that too, 'cause that's a big one. Especially- as we hit these milestones and get older. I have thoughts about that. but if you wanna give somebody The Birthday Book and The Birthday Workbook as a gift, give it to them at least six weeks before their birthday. Say, "Hey, I have an early birthday present for you." Nice. There you go. Yeah. Because then they have a chance if they so choose to read it, do the work, and then have time to plan and celebrate. I love that. Let's dive into a little bit around the aging. Yeah. So a lot of people don't like their birthdays, especially women, if I can call that out, because- Yep we don't like getting older. Absolutely. Yep. And one of the reasons we don't like getting older is because society tells us we become less beautiful- Yes less sexy, less powerful, less relevant, less visible. We all know that, right? Yeah. I'm here to say- I'm, that's not true. the, I look at the women that are in their 20s, and they're beautiful. They're maidens. Yeah. It's yeah, I was in my 20s once. I'm no longer in my 20s. That age of life is, that stage is over. Yeah. I'm in this stage, right? Yeah. I don't need to hold onto something that is past. I actually, appreciate those young women in their 20s, and- Of course understand that I wouldn't wanna trade places with them- e- ever, because I'm so much happier and content and confident and fulfilled in, at 60. But in terms of the outward appearances, let's acknowledge that changes. And we, people choose to do stuff about it or not, that's everybody's choice. But I do wanna say, and I do wanna challenge this idea around invisibility. I hear women talk about as they get older, I even heard a 36-year-old podcast host tell me she's started to feel invisible. You are becoming invisible, you are, but you are becoming invisible to the younger generations who are in their 20s and 30s checking each other out, right? You are not invisible to your own peer group. Denise, you are not invisible to me, and I am not invisible to you. We are peers aging. And I am so alert and tuned into my peer group. I'm not invisible to them, they're not invisible to me, and that's all that matters to me. Because I care about being seen by my peer group because I feel like we're a cohort. We understand life. We've b- we've been analog. we grew up in an analog era, right? Yeah. The 20-year-olds today- Yeah don't have that experience. And so- it's not to say, you know poo poo the 20-year-olds, but, let's acknowledge that as we age- Right we age with our group, our peer group. And so I just wanna call that out- because I'm really fascinated by my peer group, and I like my peer group. yeah. And I acknowledge my peer group. Yeah. And they're not invisible to me, so I just wanna say that. And then the other thing about, aging with our power intact is that nobody gets to define my power. Nobody gets to take it away from me, and nobody gets to give it to me. Yeah. Whether I'm 60 or 85 or 23- Yeah that's my journey. And so society, and you're talking about Instagram and all the social pressures and- Yeah the selfies and the li- it's oh, wow. Yeah. We can do that trip if we want. It's not really that- healthy for our psyche, as a lot of us are learning. Yeah. and it's a journey, Yeah. Life is like an earth school. We get to learn our curriculum. Yeah. So we're on it. But I'm just here to say, especially for the women, age out loud, age out proud, and- Yeah be you, without apology, without shame. And role model that for younger women. I think younger women today- Yeah are looking for older women to role model shameless aging. Your hair's gray, my hair's gray. I'm loving it. Yeah. Fun. Why not? Yeah. Something different. Absolutely. And there's something to be said about groups and, peer groups. And so when all of the information coming out is all focused on younger- then that's what you're gonna look at, and then you're gonna start to create those, "Oh, I wanna go back." When I speak with women, they don't wanna go back. They're happy where they are. They're just looking to find themselves again when it's quieter because things have shifted, right? Yeah. Families are moving away, and there's more time at home with a spouse or yourself. And I love what you do because you're giving them that day to tune back in to what really makes you happy as a woman, as a person, as you. Yeah. And we seem to lose that. But isn't that cool how every year you can pa- pack that in, really plan for it? Because it's going to grow. Your ex- your, e- share with the experience of one of the people you've spoken to over time and how she did her first one with the cake, and then she did the next one with the... And then the third. Who knows what next year's gonna bring for her, right? Like how beautiful. That's right. That's right. How beautiful. And I also- Yeah wanna say something poignant. a friend of mine is 62, and she's diagnosed with cancer, and I just heard today that she's doesn't have very long to live. I mean- Oh couple weeks maybe. And so- Oh, dear we never know when our last birthday is our last birthday, right? I, so I just wanna call that out because life is precious. So every birthday we have is a privilege. Yeah. It's an honor. And so- Yeah every age we get to be is not something to be ashamed of or hide. It's something to celebrate and say, "I'm s- I made it to 60. I don't know that I'll make, I don't know that I'll make it to 61." How do we know? Yeah. We don't. Yeah. And so I think that's, a birthday celebrates our life. Yeah. And so that's a beautiful opportunity to do that. And if we're alive and we get to celebrate a birthday, that's a privilege. Yeah. It really is. And Why not? Just one day a year, make it fabulous. Yeah. Make it your own, and just see how transformative the birthday joy- can be. There's a magic to the day. When you let it in, there's a magic. When you let it in, there's a magic. When you create it for you by you because of you, your world will change forever. Yeah. That's right. Before we close, is there anything that you would love to share with our audience? You've shared so much, and I can't wait to get the book and the companion book. Yeah. Yeah. I just want to encourage people to start from where they are. Whoever's listening to this, and, and- and if you are listening to this, it means the topic is interesting to you. You've made it this far. Sure. And so clearly there's something here for you. And so I encourage you to consider the very real- possibility that you are so worth celebrating on your birthday, and that you do have the power to bring the magic to your day, and to feel the uplift and the joy, and the transformation that comes when we celebrate a birthday, that feels good to our heart and to our psyche. And so you're totally in control of that. Yeah. And, that when we do celebrate our birthday with that much intention and joy in planning, and also knowing as much as we plan, stuff happens. Go with the flow, right? That's also a lesson in life, There's only so much control we can have, and then see what happens. But that it can actually- Yeah teach us and support us for every other day of the year. Love that. And I wanna tap back into something that you shared that I think is really extremely important, that we all have a birthday. Yeah. So you are... That's what levels the playing field- Yeah for this whole conversation. Everybody has one. You can not be feeling like, "Oh, I'm being egocentric when I'm doing something for my birthday." Oh, no, you're not. You're doing it for you, by you, because of you, because you are worthy of such. That's right. And if it's just the one day that you're going to do that to bring your heart joy, good for you, because it's a start. That's right. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you, Denise. I really appreciated, being welcomed to your show, and I loved our conversation, and I hope it helps people- Absolutely and inspires them- Yeah to create a happier birthday for themselves. Exactly. And we will have all your information in the show notes so where they can find you. look for everything that you've provided in terms of your book and your companion, and how to s- how to source you out. Do you do, talks and tours and things like that? Or how does that work? I haven't started. I'm open to that. I've been pretty busy- Yeah for personal reasons. Yeah, sure all g- all good stuff. I'm open to that. Yeah, good. I do love public speaking, and I, I'm- Okay I'm open. I just haven't pursued that avenue. Yeah. But, I'm, I'm here for that. if anyone comes knocking, I'll open the door. Yeah. Okay. And then I may go se- seeking that out myself at some point. Yeah. Okay, perfect. Good to know. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. And before we close, I want to share something gently and very clearly, that this November I am hosting a live in-person experience called Ignite: The Inner Uprising. It will be a two-day immersive gathering for women in midlife years, women who are feeling that quiet pull. Maybe something drew you into our conversation today and you're thinking, "Wow, I wonder if I could have more than just one day." Absolutely. Something more truthful, more embodied, more fully yourself and your own. Ignite is an extension of these conversations where reflection becomes embodiment and insight becomes integrated, and where women who have held so much- for others are going to gather to stand fully in their own sovereignty. If your body started leaning in and if your ears perked up, that is not accidental. The wait list is open, so you will find all the information in the show notes, and we would absolutely love to have you join our wait list to learn more as we get closer to the day. And as always, make sure that you like, share, follow, leave us a review so more women can find these powerful conversations. There is always a place for us to gather, and thank you for thriving after 45 as you do this for you, by you, because of you. Thank you, Tamara. Thanks, Denise.