April 2, 2026
Stop "Powering Through" | How Midlife Women Can Heal High-Functioning Anxiety - with Shelley Martinez
How many of us have spent years just "powering through" because we thought that was the only way to be successful. Shelley Martinez is a licensed psychotherapist and what she calls an "anxiety alchemist." She spent decades dealing with that invisible, high-functioning anxiety - the kind where you look totally composed and "together" on the outside while your internal world feels like it’s on fire. We really dive into why we've normalized being stuck in survival mode and h...
How many of us have spent years just "powering through" because we thought that was the only way to be successful.
Shelley Martinez is a licensed psychotherapist and what she calls an "anxiety alchemist."
She spent decades dealing with that invisible, high-functioning anxiety - the kind where you look totally composed and "together" on the outside while your internal world feels like it’s on fire.
We really dive into why we've normalized being stuck in survival mode and how to actually patch the holes in the boat instead of just bailing out water every day.
She shared her three step framework for moving from constant stress to genuine calm, and the best part is that she treats anxiety as a source of wisdom rather than a life sentence.
It’s such a relief to hear someone say that we aren't broken, we just have a nervous system that needs a little rewiring.
We talked about:
- Identifying the sneaky signs of high functioning anxiety like perfectionism and overworking
- Why "coping" might actually be keeping you stuck in survival mode
- The power of curiosity and compassion in changing your internal narrative
- How to reclaim your energy so you can live a "juicy life" after 45
If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing the best you can but still feel weighted down by old "rocks in your wagon," this episode is going to feel like a warm hug and a permission slip all at once. Shelley even shares a few tools that work in under a minute to bring you back to yourself. You’re going to love her heart and her wisdom.
Connect with her here:
Website: https://shelleymartinez.com/
Freebee link- Beat Anxiety in 5 Minutes or Less Mini Workshop: http://subscribepage.io/djdT6U
Thank you for spending time with me today on the Thrive After 45™ podcast! If this episode spoke to you, be sure to hit that follow button so you never miss one.
And if you loved it, I’d be so grateful if you left a review - it helps more amazing women like you find this show!
Your journey doesn’t stop here - let’s keep the conversation going! Connect with me at denisedrinkwalter.com, and follow @thethriveafter45podcast for daily insp, tips, and support.
Remember, midlife isn’t the end - it’s just the beginning of a new, exciting chapter! Keep thriving, keep shining, and I’ll see you next time!
WEBVTT
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Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive after 45.
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I'm Denise Drink Walter heart whisperer, midlife mirror and mentor.
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And every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45.
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Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion.
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What happens when the very thing that once ruled your life becomes the source of your deepest wisdom?
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It is an honor and a privilege to welcome Shelly Martinez to our conversation today, Shelly.
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An anxiety alchemist and that title is well earned.
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For much of her early life anxiety was a daily companion shaping her inner world from childhood well into adulthood, rather than accepting it as a life sentence.
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Shelly went searching for answers that reached far beyond.
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Surface level coping.
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That search led her into the nervous system itself and into nearly three decades of transformational work.
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Shelly is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach and certified hypnotherapist with 28 years of experience.
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And she has supported hundreds of women in learning how to tame high functioning anxiety, not just to quiet it, but to fundamentally change their relationship with it.
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What makes Shelly's work so distinctive is that she doesn't stop a relief.
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She guides women to reclaim their time, energy, and ease, and then.
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Teaches them how to transform anxiety into a superpower, a source of clarity, confidence, and inner authority.
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If you've ever felt like you looked really calm on the outside, while your nervous system is working over time on the inside, this conversation is going to open up a very powerful new doorway.
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Shelly, it is so wonderful to have you with us here today.
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I.
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Thank you.
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I am so excited to talk to you today, Denise.
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This is amazing.
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I've been just, it's like Christmas.
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I love it.
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I love it.
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Let's dive into something that really makes me wonder, what is this?
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When you reference high functioning anxiety, what is it you're referring to?
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And help us understand what that actually means.
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I'm so glad you asked me that because I think it's very misunderstood in that I, I call high functioning anxiety.
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Regular anxiety is evil twin because it's invisible and we've normalized it, but it really isn't normal.
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Hmm.
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In that, you know, we've labeled it and I'll explain more as, as kind of just the price of success.
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And this is just normal.
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And if you're a high achiever, and of course this impacts more high achieving women, you know, than it does men or other groups.
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Um.
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That it, we've kind of accepted like, well, this just must be how I am.
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Right?
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Or this is what it takes to be high achieving.
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Hmm.
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And it's absolutely not true.
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It's, in fact, it's holding us back.
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Very interesting.
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So what I think is really valuable.
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In what I heard you say, Shelly, is that we don't even recognize it as high achieving.
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Let's talk to our audience, which are women, right?
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Yeah.
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It's, well, you know, if you've got the CEO title, there's gonna be stuff that comes with that, right?
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Yeah.
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I know.
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I used to say that to myself.
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Well, you're the principal of the building.
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It's your job, so you just gotta.
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It's just what, it's just what it is.
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Denise, do it and move on.
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Right.
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Suck it up.
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BetterUp.
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Right.
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And so how on earth do we begin to pull apart so that we don't say, well, it's just part of the job.
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Just gotta do.
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And because your whole nervous system is a mess.
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Right?
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Exactly.
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Exactly.
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And it's, that's, that's the whole thing, is recognizing that this isn't.
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Normal.
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Mm-hmm.
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This isn't normal.
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And also another myth is that this is helping me to achieve and it's actually holding us back.
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Right.
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And many of us don't realize, but some of the things to look for are.
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You know, setting impossibly high standards, people pleasing, perfectionism.
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Procrastination, and then overwork.
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Taking on too much, not being able to say no.
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'cause you're afraid of letting people down and because you're just kind of running so fast, it's like everything becomes a yes because I don't even have time to think about it.
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And then later on I'm going, why did I do that?
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Ah, yes.
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You know, replaying all your conversations over and over again to nitpick and, well, I should have said that, and why did I say that?
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And checking your email five, six times before you can make yourself send it, because it's not perfect.
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You know, all of those things are signs of high functioning anxiety.
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Okay.
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Physically, you know, there's a lot of insomnia because we're exhausted, but we're wired at the same time.
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Mm-hmm.
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So we have trouble relaxing.
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We have a lot of insomnia, muscle aches, headaches, stomach stuff is really common.
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And you know, these are all things that are going on under the surface, of course, you know, on the outside.
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Mm-hmm.
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We are the go-to people, we are confident, we are calm, we are together and inside.
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It feels like our hair's on fire all the time.
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Right.
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So, you know, we're always trying to pretend we're okay and manage, manage and cope with it.
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Mm-hmm.
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Which coping actually keeps us stuck and it keeps our nervous system in that fight or flight or stress or survival mode.
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Really high functioning anxiety is your nervous system stuck in survival mode.
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Okay.
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Which is not good for you or anything you're trained to do, honestly.
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So, I mean, amazing examples.
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I, I'm sitting here as I'm listening, going.
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Yep.
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Used to do that.
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Used to do that.
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Check.
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Check.
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Yep.
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Yeah.
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Oh, me too, me too.
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Right.
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Right.
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So how do we begin to, after recognizing, start to reign it in, because like you shared when you were running on that, um, operating system.
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You're actually not doing the best you can do because you're not being the best you possible.
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So how, what is a step we need to discover to move forward after recognizing?
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Absolutely.
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So I've developed a three step framework.
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Hmm.
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And the first thing we need to do is reframe anxiety.
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We need to understand what it's here for, what its function is, how it helps us, and where it hinders us.
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Right.
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And so based on that, we, when we interpret it differently, it stops being the enemy.
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When we get curious and compassionate and kind with ourselves and with this part of ourselves, it's really critical.
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Mm-hmm.
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That's when we set the stage for change, and then we have to regulate differently.
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We have to regulate our nervous system differently, come out of that survival mode.
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Right.
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Be able to start to experience, you know, what, what are we like when we are literally calm, not just seeming calm, right?
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And confidence stems from that, you know, a stable, confident foundation.
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Right?
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And then thirdly, what we wanna do is rewire our nervous system so that calm and confidence becomes our foundation, our baseline, our habit.
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Because when you have high functioning anxiety.
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You're basically by default, are always anxious, right?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And it causes so much noise and separates us from ourselves.
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Right.
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I can see that.
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Yeah, I can totally see that.
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So you two people in one body?
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Mm-hmm.
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So that itself is gonna be causing strain and stress, isn't it?
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Yes, definitely.
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Yeah.
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So.
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In your experience, what do you think the number one challenge that women face in terms of this high functioning anxiety?
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And then you've given some ideas, but how do you help them overcome it?
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I know the three steps is very powerful, very powerful.
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Well, and And broad.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, yeah.
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In in this context, right?
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But yeah, I think the number one challenge is for women to recognize.
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That this is anxiety and they don't have to stay here.
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We have these myths that we all kind of, I don't know, have adopted somehow from the air or the culture that say, you know, I'll just power on through it and it'll get better, which it doesn't.
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It can't.
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I mean, that's the definition of insanity, right?
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Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and coping with it actually teaches us to stay in it because coping with it is about getting through the moment, powering through, and, and don't get me wrong, it serves a purpose.
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It helps temporarily.
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It restores a sense of control and order and helps us to get through these moments and manage.
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But what, uh, it's doing on the backside is it's telling our nervous system that we're only okay if we're in control.
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Hmm, that it's dangerous out here and we've gotta be hypervigilant and managing it all the time, otherwise, something bad is gonna happen.
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So it just, it's like you had a leaky boat and you just kept bailing the water with the coping instead of patching the hole, which is healing, right?
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If you patch the hole, it stops filling up all the time.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And so for us to recognize that we've, we've been fed, aligned, basically about this.
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Mm-hmm.
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And this notion, secondly, that, well, I'm just an anxious person, which is what I thought about myself for a while, because I was anxious since I was a child.
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I have a memory in kindergarten of my teacher telling me I was gonna get ulcers, and I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded really bad.
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Right.
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But it also convinced me like, okay, how I am not only is not normal, but it's a problem for people and I need to stuff it.
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I need to push it down and, and so then it became high functioning anxiety where it was there.
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But boy, nobody knew.
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Nobody knew.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And and anxiety is a feeling.
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It's not a personality trait.
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There are people who respond habit wise with anxiety.
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Yeah.
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But they're not really anxious people.
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We don't have an anxiety problem.
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We have a nervous system stuck in survival mode.
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Hmm.
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And I think those are the biggest things to work through are these beliefs that block us in from getting, getting change and getting help.
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And it couples with the issue of a lot of the, um, work out there.
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The advice really just works on the surface.
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Yeah.
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So it doesn't work very well for a lot of us.
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Mm-hmm.
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You know, it addresses symptoms on the surface, but it doesn't deal with what's coming up underneath.
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Right.
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And I know for myself and many of my clients that just, you know, things would work for a week or maybe not at all or a month, and then we'd be right back where we started.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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S you know, getting at the root cause.
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And Isn't that interesting?
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Thank you for sharing that, Shelly, because I, I can put my hand up.
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I, I know my audience can put their hand up.
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When we say, can you remember a time when somebody said something to you that really.
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You can't erase it from your memory bank because it impacted not just what you heard, but it, it, it, it landed, the seed was planted and then you, without even really realizing it, like kindergarten, what?
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You're five, four or five?
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Yeah.
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Huge.
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I am sure that teacher meant no harm, specifically.
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Oh, yeah.
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By saying that.
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But it doesn't matter, right?
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One person can make a difference in another's life and one sentence can take such a hit on another person.
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Right?
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Absolutely.
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Think about that.
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I can think of, I used to tell students in a classroom, you know, they'd, I'd ask them, so in, let's think back, you know, grade two, uh, that math test, do you remember what you got on a math test and what?
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And I said, do you remember when somebody hurt your feelings by some?
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Oh yeah.
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I remember what they wore.
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I remember what they Right.
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And so we carry these pieces and so what you're referring to, if I'm understanding properly, is that we need to heal those parts of us that have been hurt and damaged.
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Beyond thinking about, well, it's the other person's fault.
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It's going into that healing mode and really being at one with, I'm gonna be okay, and this is where it might be stemming from, right?
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Yes.
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No, absolutely.
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Absolutely.
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And especially those early experiences because those go straight into our subconscious.
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You know, and they become rules because our subconscious doesn't have any ability to filter and say, well, you know, you were probably driving your teacher nuts, but she didn't mean anything negative by this.
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Yeah, yeah.
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You know, and you were, you know, driving her nuts temporarily.
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She didn't dislike you, she wasn't saying how you were, wasn't okay.
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That kind of thing.
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Your subconscious doesn't have the ability, it takes it at everything.
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At face value.
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Face value.
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Yes.
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You know, and that forms so many of the rules that we live by.
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Our subconscious runs about 95% of our life.
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What we think, feel, say, do, decide, believe, on and on, and on and on.
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And yet we rarely think about it.
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Right.
00:14:40.957 --> 00:14:47.918
And so that's where the rewiring comes in, is really healing those parts of ourselves so that we can have a new narrative.
00:14:48.097 --> 00:14:48.278
Mm-hmm.
00:14:49.388 --> 00:14:50.138
Absolutely.
00:14:50.138 --> 00:14:52.538
And deserving of such.
00:14:53.288 --> 00:14:54.758
Oh, you bet, right?
00:14:54.758 --> 00:14:55.957
Absolutely.
00:14:56.018 --> 00:14:56.888
Absolutely.
00:14:57.217 --> 00:14:57.697
Mm-hmm.
00:14:58.133 --> 00:15:04.567
We are all, all deserving of that and, and need to recognize that at any moment.
00:15:04.962 --> 00:15:05.712
Any moment.
00:15:05.863 --> 00:15:08.082
Yeah, we are doing the best we can do right then.
00:15:08.712 --> 00:15:13.783
And it may not be the best we can ever do, but in that moment, that was the best we had.
00:15:14.653 --> 00:15:15.732
And that's okay.
00:15:15.913 --> 00:15:17.202
Yeah, because we're human.
00:15:17.623 --> 00:15:17.832
Yeah.
00:15:18.043 --> 00:15:22.123
And it's okay to wanna, you know, shift and change and grow where we can.
00:15:22.123 --> 00:15:25.692
And to do that, we need that kindness, curiosity, and compassion.
00:15:26.548 --> 00:15:31.347
Those are big foundations for my work because without that, nothing shifts.
00:15:31.347 --> 00:15:34.557
If, if being mean to ourselves worked, we'd be perfect by now.
00:15:34.562 --> 00:15:34.743
Right.
00:15:36.033 --> 00:15:36.903
Thank you for that.
00:15:38.293 --> 00:15:39.927
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:40.048 --> 00:15:51.177
And isn't it something that we as humans and in particular women, the self chat, the self, you know.
00:15:51.837 --> 00:15:55.798
Conversation that we have inside of our thoughts.
00:15:56.248 --> 00:15:59.727
The majority of it is not positive and uplifting.
00:15:59.727 --> 00:16:02.337
It's all about you should have.
00:16:02.337 --> 00:16:02.937
Could have.
00:16:02.967 --> 00:16:03.508
Would have.
00:16:03.508 --> 00:16:06.238
Why all the, yeah, negative.
00:16:06.238 --> 00:16:10.587
So I love the work that you do because you help rewire.
00:16:10.648 --> 00:16:10.738
That.
00:16:12.057 --> 00:16:12.538
Right?
00:16:13.168 --> 00:16:14.518
Yeah, absolutely.
00:16:14.518 --> 00:16:15.148
That's the goal.
00:16:15.177 --> 00:16:20.607
'cause we, our brain literally has a negativity bias, which makes sense.
00:16:20.607 --> 00:16:22.918
If you think about it from evolutionary terms.
00:16:22.918 --> 00:16:29.878
If there's a hundred berries that I, I like this will bring back, but there's a hundred berry bushes out in the forest that we collect from.
00:16:29.878 --> 00:16:30.118
Right?
00:16:30.118 --> 00:16:30.148
Okay.
00:16:30.177 --> 00:16:30.268
Mm-hmm.
00:16:30.658 --> 00:16:35.368
But one of the pest snakes under it, we need to remember which one had snakes under it.
00:16:35.697 --> 00:16:36.177
Got it.
00:16:36.177 --> 00:16:37.437
When we go out, right?
00:16:37.513 --> 00:16:37.732
Yep.
00:16:38.447 --> 00:16:46.307
And in modern day times, unfortunately, some of these strategies that make a lot of sense when you look way back, don't service here and now.
00:16:46.307 --> 00:16:51.827
So that, and that's analogous to a hundred people told me good things.
00:16:51.857 --> 00:16:52.097
Mm-hmm.
00:16:52.337 --> 00:16:56.177
And one person told me something critical and I focus on the critical person.
00:16:56.508 --> 00:16:57.018
Right.
00:16:57.258 --> 00:16:57.587
Yeah.
00:16:58.452 --> 00:17:11.143
You know, because we, we haven't adjusted the way we need to, and, and there are ways to help our mind and our subconscious and our nervous system to adjust and overcome some of that bias for sure.
00:17:11.383 --> 00:17:16.617
To make calm a bias, to make compassion for ourselves, the bias and the habit.
00:17:17.758 --> 00:17:18.867
Oh, thank you.
00:17:18.867 --> 00:17:19.282
That, and that's my goal for that.
00:17:19.557 --> 00:17:20.817
Thank you for that work.
00:17:21.028 --> 00:17:22.678
It is so needed.
00:17:23.248 --> 00:17:29.907
So needed in, in the world we live in today, we've got, excuse me, so many exterior.
00:17:30.492 --> 00:17:42.853
Negative forces at work that are beyond our control, but we are consuming it in a way that I don't think is always very healthy because we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel concept.
00:17:42.853 --> 00:17:45.073
We see the dark and gloomy.
00:17:45.073 --> 00:17:51.103
So your work is so valuable in so many ways, so many levels.
00:17:51.103 --> 00:17:52.482
Thank you for all of it.
00:17:53.053 --> 00:17:54.462
Um, yeah.
00:17:54.768 --> 00:17:56.988
I'm really passionate about it because mm-hmm.
00:17:56.993 --> 00:17:58.307
You know, I was, I was there.
00:17:58.307 --> 00:17:58.907
I get it.
00:17:58.923 --> 00:17:59.212
Yeah.
00:17:59.567 --> 00:17:59.748
Yeah.
00:17:59.988 --> 00:18:10.607
And I know, I believe that women are going to heal and change the world, and especially those of us who have, you know, passed that point of 45.
00:18:10.607 --> 00:18:14.448
So we're not as focused on raising little kids that need their milk cord for them.
00:18:14.958 --> 00:18:15.198
Right.
00:18:15.288 --> 00:18:21.317
We're more settled within our career, within our lives, but that's when things really open up to us possibilities.
00:18:21.317 --> 00:18:22.548
And it's like, wait a minute.
00:18:23.458 --> 00:18:25.167
What do I really wanna do with this?
00:18:25.167 --> 00:18:25.258
Right?
00:18:25.798 --> 00:18:27.117
What do I really wanna be doing?
00:18:27.117 --> 00:18:34.738
And, and not that we didn't wanna have our career and our family, of course, all of those things, but I think there's time that's freed up for us.
00:18:34.827 --> 00:18:35.008
Yeah.
00:18:35.008 --> 00:18:40.948
At this stage in our life, there's time, there's energy that allows so much possibility.
00:18:40.948 --> 00:18:50.307
And if we're gonna heal the world and change it in positive ways, which I believe women will, we need to not be weighed down with all our emotional baggage, all the old stuff.
00:18:50.847 --> 00:18:50.998
Yeah.
00:18:51.087 --> 00:18:57.597
So that's my mission, is to help as many women as possible to be able to put those things down.
00:18:57.837 --> 00:18:57.928
Mm-hmm.
00:18:58.198 --> 00:19:02.307
So that they can go and live a juicy life, whatever that means for them.
00:19:02.847 --> 00:19:03.688
Absolutely.
00:19:03.688 --> 00:19:06.208
And, and it's the whole context of our show, isn't it?
00:19:06.208 --> 00:19:09.807
It's, this is for you, for you, by you because of you.
00:19:10.167 --> 00:19:14.337
And I love how you shared, you know, you're at a different, um.
00:19:14.998 --> 00:19:18.057
At a different part in your timeline of life.
00:19:18.387 --> 00:19:22.917
So it doesn't mean that what you've done prior is not okay or not right?
00:19:22.917 --> 00:19:27.028
It was absolutely in alignment with where you were on the trajectory of that timeline.
00:19:27.748 --> 00:19:28.258
Yeah.
00:19:28.258 --> 00:19:28.948
Yeah, yeah.
00:19:28.948 --> 00:19:29.218
Totally.
00:19:30.063 --> 00:19:39.147
But we're also allowed to change our minds in terms of our focus and you know, giving ourselves permission or even the ability to ask the question.
00:19:39.387 --> 00:19:39.718
Yeah.
00:19:39.718 --> 00:19:45.867
Because so often we don't ask questions'cause we're so busy we're in that, you know, kind of hamster wheel sort of life.
00:19:45.952 --> 00:19:46.442
Exactly.
00:19:46.712 --> 00:19:47.002
Yeah.
00:19:47.877 --> 00:19:53.998
The door is opening for possibilities through your lens of curiosity, which I absolutely love.
00:19:53.998 --> 00:20:06.357
I think life is so beautiful when we come through it, um, via the lens of curiosity instead of what should I or oh, my expectations are, right.
00:20:06.357 --> 00:20:13.347
When we create that curiosity lens, it, it lightens the load just by thinking that way, doesn't it?
00:20:13.347 --> 00:20:13.708
Yeah.
00:20:14.758 --> 00:20:15.567
Absolutely.
00:20:15.657 --> 00:20:16.438
Absolutely.
00:20:16.438 --> 00:20:21.958
And that's why I think your work too is so important because there's so much potential for us here.
00:20:21.988 --> 00:20:22.107
Yeah.
00:20:22.827 --> 00:20:24.567
You know, at this point in our lives.
00:20:24.688 --> 00:20:24.988
Mm-hmm.
00:20:25.678 --> 00:20:26.998
Yeah, there is.
00:20:26.998 --> 00:20:43.587
And when we are grounded and centered in our new way of being with the calm, clarity mindset, subconscious work, we have a nicer opportunity to move with more fluidity, don't we?
00:20:44.442 --> 00:20:47.383
Oh, absolutely, absolutely unencumbered.
00:20:47.778 --> 00:20:48.067
Yeah.
00:20:48.972 --> 00:20:52.153
You know, think of it like all that old junk kind of, yeah.
00:20:52.813 --> 00:20:58.363
This idea of a, a red wagon, you know, the red wagons with the black and white wheels that many of us had as kids.
00:20:58.692 --> 00:20:58.813
Yeah.
00:20:58.813 --> 00:21:04.692
I feel like when stuff goes wrong in our lives, which inevitably does, it's, you know, we all have stuff.
00:21:04.692 --> 00:21:05.113
Right.
00:21:05.803 --> 00:21:07.603
Then it puts rocks in those wagon.
00:21:08.262 --> 00:21:10.212
And it's hard to pull those wagons.
00:21:10.212 --> 00:21:12.702
It's harder and harder and harder to get'em places.
00:21:12.853 --> 00:21:18.913
And so if we can take the rocks out, boy, you know, to quote Dr.
00:21:18.913 --> 00:21:20.712
Seuss, all the places we will go.
00:21:22.087 --> 00:21:23.442
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:24.222 --> 00:21:26.863
And why not, right?
00:21:27.313 --> 00:21:29.202
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:29.292 --> 00:21:29.893
You've got this.
00:21:29.893 --> 00:21:31.367
Precious and wildlife do it.
00:21:32.113 --> 00:21:32.502
Yeah.
00:21:32.653 --> 00:21:33.853
Nothing to lose.
00:21:34.063 --> 00:21:35.143
Everything to gain.
00:21:35.143 --> 00:21:35.232
Mm-hmm.
00:21:36.248 --> 00:21:36.607
Absolutely.
00:21:36.792 --> 00:21:36.883
Mm-hmm.
00:21:37.032 --> 00:21:38.202
Absolutely.
00:21:39.432 --> 00:21:49.482
Is there any, I know we've touched on so much, but is there anything you would love to leave our audience with as we get ready to close this conversation?
00:21:51.343 --> 00:21:52.992
Well, uh, two things.
00:21:53.202 --> 00:21:53.292
Mm-hmm.
00:21:53.532 --> 00:22:02.712
First off, I want them to know that however long, however much they've struggled in their anxiety, it is never, ever too late to change.
00:22:03.103 --> 00:22:07.542
That can be shifted no matter what, no matter where you're at.
00:22:08.472 --> 00:22:08.653
Thank you.
00:22:08.653 --> 00:22:13.333
And if other things have not worked so well for you, you're not broken.
00:22:13.333 --> 00:22:14.833
It doesn't mean that you're broken.
00:22:15.657 --> 00:22:18.538
Because, you know, I know I felt that way for a very long time.
00:22:19.018 --> 00:22:19.107
Mm-hmm.
00:22:19.347 --> 00:22:20.847
You know, there must be something wrong with me.
00:22:20.847 --> 00:22:26.008
And that's not really the case because you just need to come at it at a different angle.
00:22:26.488 --> 00:22:37.317
And, um, also wanted to offer your audience a free mini class with, it's got four really good relaxation tools to help you in the moment.
00:22:37.317 --> 00:22:42.928
Three of them work in under a minute to bring more common confidence to your life because once you're calm.
00:22:43.903 --> 00:22:45.313
Confidence follows.
00:22:45.583 --> 00:22:48.492
You know, we always think, oh, well I'll get, I'll get confidence somehow.
00:22:48.492 --> 00:22:51.343
But no, you've gotta be, you've gotta feel calm first.
00:22:51.432 --> 00:22:51.643
Mm-hmm.
00:22:52.153 --> 00:22:55.093
You have to soothe the body before you can soothe the mind.
00:22:55.452 --> 00:22:57.583
Always, always, always, always.
00:22:57.583 --> 00:22:58.873
Or at least at the same time.
00:22:59.353 --> 00:22:59.442
Mm-hmm.
00:22:59.863 --> 00:23:09.462
And so, um, it's got some of my favorite really easy, really powerful tools to get started on this journey for anyone who's interested in doing that.
00:23:10.063 --> 00:23:13.992
Wonderful, and we will have all this information in the show notes.
00:23:13.992 --> 00:23:19.903
So make sure you check out the show notes and how to contact Shelly, um, to have deeper conversation.
00:23:19.903 --> 00:23:24.133
And I am so honored to have shared this time with you.
00:23:24.133 --> 00:23:30.468
I just love the work that you do, and I'm so grateful that unfortunately, your life.
00:23:31.288 --> 00:23:49.948
Took you to the point that you had to really understand the depths of the anxiety that you experienced, but I always believe there's a purpose and a reason for everything, and I think it was meant to be so that you could come out and do the beautiful work that you do now, supporting people to.
00:23:51.012 --> 00:24:07.333
Be high functioning without that extra anxiety and to become calm and confident and very clear on who you are as a person first, and the job secondary and the relationship secondary, but relationship to self is, is pivotal.
00:24:07.333 --> 00:24:09.012
So it's everything.
00:24:09.012 --> 00:24:09.972
Absolutely.
00:24:10.093 --> 00:24:10.182
Mm-hmm.
00:24:10.452 --> 00:24:18.012
Once you get that done, then you discover, and thank you for your compassion towards me, but it really, that's the point where it becomes a superpower.
00:24:18.073 --> 00:24:24.942
Yes, is when you've healed it and rewired it, and it's something that works for you instead of against you.
00:24:25.303 --> 00:24:25.393
Mm.
00:24:26.532 --> 00:24:29.772
Which is amazing and it's wonderful to see in folks.
00:24:30.222 --> 00:24:30.613
Yeah.
00:24:31.542 --> 00:24:33.107
And thank you for leading the way in that.
00:24:34.813 --> 00:24:35.053
Thank you.
00:24:36.192 --> 00:24:38.518
It has been such a joy to talk with you, Denise.
00:24:38.772 --> 00:24:39.462
You too.
00:24:40.153 --> 00:24:41.083
You too.
00:24:41.292 --> 00:24:43.843
So again, we'll have all the information in the show notes.
00:24:43.843 --> 00:24:45.012
Make sure you check it out.
00:24:45.432 --> 00:24:46.722
Get that free resource.
00:24:46.752 --> 00:24:47.292
Oh my gosh.
00:24:47.292 --> 00:24:48.792
I can't wait to get my hands on it.
00:24:48.792 --> 00:24:50.083
I know that for sure.
00:24:50.593 --> 00:24:51.357
I'm so excited.
00:24:52.603 --> 00:24:56.742
Before we close, I do want to share something gently.
00:24:57.042 --> 00:24:59.113
I am currently stewarding the.
00:24:59.492 --> 00:25:17.732
Early formation of a live in-person experience called Ignite the Inner Uprising, and it's being created for women in midlife who feel the quiet pull towards something more truthful, more embodied, more their own.
00:25:18.063 --> 00:25:20.762
It isn't an event I'm rushing.
00:25:21.143 --> 00:25:22.823
Or loudly promoting.
00:25:22.823 --> 00:25:30.442
It's just being built slowly with care and very deep respect for the women in midlife who it's meant to serve.
00:25:30.442 --> 00:25:46.192
So if your body leaned in at any point today during our conversation, if something here resonated beyond words, just know this, that there will be a place to gather for now.
00:25:46.242 --> 00:25:47.952
Simply stay connected.
00:25:48.073 --> 00:25:50.623
Follow, like, share.
00:25:50.623 --> 00:25:55.123
Give us your reviews so more women can find us.
00:25:55.182 --> 00:26:02.472
And when the timing is right, you will hear more about Ignite the inner uprising.
00:26:02.952 --> 00:26:05.232
Have an incredible day.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.889
Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive after 45.
00:00:04.889 --> 00:00:09.509
I'm Denise Drink Walter heart whisperer, midlife mirror and mentor.
00:00:09.509 --> 00:00:21.089
And every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45.
00:00:21.089 --> 00:00:30.179
Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion.
00:00:30.179 --> 00:00:38.850
What happens when the very thing that once ruled your life becomes the source of your deepest wisdom?
00:00:38.850 --> 00:00:45.719
It is an honor and a privilege to welcome Shelly Martinez to our conversation today, Shelly.
00:00:46.387 --> 00:00:51.247
An anxiety alchemist and that title is well earned.
00:00:51.307 --> 00:01:03.817
For much of her early life anxiety was a daily companion shaping her inner world from childhood well into adulthood, rather than accepting it as a life sentence.
00:01:03.817 --> 00:01:07.462
Shelly went searching for answers that reached far beyond.
00:01:07.828 --> 00:01:09.207
Surface level coping.
00:01:09.207 --> 00:01:16.977
That search led her into the nervous system itself and into nearly three decades of transformational work.
00:01:16.977 --> 00:01:24.513
Shelly is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach and certified hypnotherapist with 28 years of experience.
00:01:25.033 --> 00:01:37.093
And she has supported hundreds of women in learning how to tame high functioning anxiety, not just to quiet it, but to fundamentally change their relationship with it.
00:01:37.093 --> 00:01:42.043
What makes Shelly's work so distinctive is that she doesn't stop a relief.
00:01:42.043 --> 00:01:47.623
She guides women to reclaim their time, energy, and ease, and then.
00:01:47.623 --> 00:01:56.203
Teaches them how to transform anxiety into a superpower, a source of clarity, confidence, and inner authority.
00:01:56.203 --> 00:02:10.092
If you've ever felt like you looked really calm on the outside, while your nervous system is working over time on the inside, this conversation is going to open up a very powerful new doorway.
00:02:10.152 --> 00:02:13.543
Shelly, it is so wonderful to have you with us here today.
00:02:13.543 --> 00:02:13.573
I.
00:02:13.573 --> 00:02:14.652
Thank you.
00:02:14.652 --> 00:02:17.143
I am so excited to talk to you today, Denise.
00:02:17.143 --> 00:02:18.193
This is amazing.
00:02:18.193 --> 00:02:20.562
I've been just, it's like Christmas.
00:02:22.152 --> 00:02:22.932
I love it.
00:02:22.992 --> 00:02:23.622
I love it.
00:02:23.622 --> 00:02:29.953
Let's dive into something that really makes me wonder, what is this?
00:02:29.953 --> 00:02:36.492
When you reference high functioning anxiety, what is it you're referring to?
00:02:36.492 --> 00:02:39.673
And help us understand what that actually means.
00:02:39.673 --> 00:02:46.962
I'm so glad you asked me that because I think it's very misunderstood in that I, I call high functioning anxiety.
00:02:46.962 --> 00:02:55.032
Regular anxiety is evil twin because it's invisible and we've normalized it, but it really isn't normal.
00:02:55.587 --> 00:02:55.918
Hmm.
00:02:56.068 --> 00:03:01.467
In that, you know, we've labeled it and I'll explain more as, as kind of just the price of success.
00:03:01.467 --> 00:03:02.608
And this is just normal.
00:03:02.608 --> 00:03:09.927
And if you're a high achiever, and of course this impacts more high achieving women, you know, than it does men or other groups.
00:03:10.527 --> 00:03:10.858
Um.
00:03:12.552 --> 00:03:16.362
That it, we've kind of accepted like, well, this just must be how I am.
00:03:16.362 --> 00:03:16.483
Right?
00:03:16.483 --> 00:03:19.302
Or this is what it takes to be high achieving.
00:03:19.302 --> 00:03:19.362
Hmm.
00:03:19.932 --> 00:03:22.453
And it's absolutely not true.
00:03:22.453 --> 00:03:24.462
It's, in fact, it's holding us back.
00:03:24.462 --> 00:03:25.902
Very interesting.
00:03:25.902 --> 00:03:30.133
So what I think is really valuable.
00:03:30.427 --> 00:03:38.108
In what I heard you say, Shelly, is that we don't even recognize it as high achieving.
00:03:38.108 --> 00:03:40.867
Let's talk to our audience, which are women, right?
00:03:41.228 --> 00:03:41.318
Yeah.
00:03:41.348 --> 00:03:47.617
It's, well, you know, if you've got the CEO title, there's gonna be stuff that comes with that, right?
00:03:47.707 --> 00:03:47.858
Yeah.
00:03:47.918 --> 00:03:48.758
I know.
00:03:48.758 --> 00:03:50.228
I used to say that to myself.
00:03:50.228 --> 00:03:52.747
Well, you're the principal of the building.
00:03:52.747 --> 00:03:54.937
It's your job, so you just gotta.
00:03:55.302 --> 00:03:57.883
It's just what, it's just what it is.
00:03:57.883 --> 00:03:59.772
Denise, do it and move on.
00:03:59.772 --> 00:03:59.862
Right.
00:04:00.252 --> 00:04:00.848
Suck it up.
00:04:00.848 --> 00:04:01.367
BetterUp.
00:04:01.752 --> 00:04:02.112
Right.
00:04:02.443 --> 00:04:11.502
And so how on earth do we begin to pull apart so that we don't say, well, it's just part of the job.
00:04:11.712 --> 00:04:12.703
Just gotta do.
00:04:12.883 --> 00:04:16.512
And because your whole nervous system is a mess.
00:04:17.173 --> 00:04:17.593
Right?
00:04:17.713 --> 00:04:18.612
Exactly.
00:04:18.853 --> 00:04:19.512
Exactly.
00:04:19.512 --> 00:04:24.283
And it's, that's, that's the whole thing, is recognizing that this isn't.
00:04:24.762 --> 00:04:25.273
Normal.
00:04:25.603 --> 00:04:25.692
Mm-hmm.
00:04:26.052 --> 00:04:27.043
This isn't normal.
00:04:27.043 --> 00:04:34.423
And also another myth is that this is helping me to achieve and it's actually holding us back.
00:04:34.843 --> 00:04:34.932
Right.
00:04:35.173 --> 00:04:39.012
And many of us don't realize, but some of the things to look for are.
00:04:40.408 --> 00:04:44.877
You know, setting impossibly high standards, people pleasing, perfectionism.
00:04:44.877 --> 00:04:47.307
Procrastination, and then overwork.
00:04:47.697 --> 00:04:50.697
Taking on too much, not being able to say no.
00:04:50.877 --> 00:04:59.038
'cause you're afraid of letting people down and because you're just kind of running so fast, it's like everything becomes a yes because I don't even have time to think about it.
00:04:59.067 --> 00:05:01.408
And then later on I'm going, why did I do that?
00:05:01.408 --> 00:05:02.487
Ah, yes.
00:05:02.543 --> 00:05:09.413
You know, replaying all your conversations over and over again to nitpick and, well, I should have said that, and why did I say that?
00:05:09.413 --> 00:05:15.142
And checking your email five, six times before you can make yourself send it, because it's not perfect.
00:05:15.892 --> 00:05:19.043
You know, all of those things are signs of high functioning anxiety.
00:05:19.773 --> 00:05:20.252
Okay.
00:05:20.312 --> 00:05:26.252
Physically, you know, there's a lot of insomnia because we're exhausted, but we're wired at the same time.
00:05:26.343 --> 00:05:26.583
Mm-hmm.
00:05:27.213 --> 00:05:29.132
So we have trouble relaxing.
00:05:29.642 --> 00:05:34.208
We have a lot of insomnia, muscle aches, headaches, stomach stuff is really common.
00:05:36.237 --> 00:05:41.218
And you know, these are all things that are going on under the surface, of course, you know, on the outside.
00:05:41.367 --> 00:05:41.458
Mm-hmm.
00:05:41.697 --> 00:05:47.158
We are the go-to people, we are confident, we are calm, we are together and inside.
00:05:47.158 --> 00:05:49.168
It feels like our hair's on fire all the time.
00:05:49.677 --> 00:05:49.918
Right.
00:05:49.918 --> 00:05:55.588
So, you know, we're always trying to pretend we're okay and manage, manage and cope with it.
00:05:55.617 --> 00:05:56.067
Mm-hmm.
00:05:56.307 --> 00:06:03.237
Which coping actually keeps us stuck and it keeps our nervous system in that fight or flight or stress or survival mode.
00:06:04.077 --> 00:06:08.247
Really high functioning anxiety is your nervous system stuck in survival mode.
00:06:08.668 --> 00:06:09.148
Okay.
00:06:09.208 --> 00:06:13.137
Which is not good for you or anything you're trained to do, honestly.
00:06:14.307 --> 00:06:18.778
So, I mean, amazing examples.
00:06:18.838 --> 00:06:20.637
I, I'm sitting here as I'm listening, going.
00:06:20.637 --> 00:06:21.327
Yep.
00:06:21.418 --> 00:06:22.437
Used to do that.
00:06:22.437 --> 00:06:23.007
Used to do that.
00:06:23.007 --> 00:06:23.338
Check.
00:06:23.343 --> 00:06:23.692
Check.
00:06:23.697 --> 00:06:24.028
Yep.
00:06:24.298 --> 00:06:24.447
Yeah.
00:06:24.473 --> 00:06:25.452
Oh, me too, me too.
00:06:25.452 --> 00:06:25.653
Right.
00:06:26.218 --> 00:06:26.608
Right.
00:06:26.997 --> 00:06:40.822
So how do we begin to, after recognizing, start to reign it in, because like you shared when you were running on that, um, operating system.
00:06:41.892 --> 00:06:48.642
You're actually not doing the best you can do because you're not being the best you possible.
00:06:49.033 --> 00:06:55.632
So how, what is a step we need to discover to move forward after recognizing?
00:06:56.382 --> 00:06:57.103
Absolutely.
00:06:57.463 --> 00:07:00.432
So I've developed a three step framework.
00:07:00.733 --> 00:07:01.093
Hmm.
00:07:01.567 --> 00:07:05.322
And the first thing we need to do is reframe anxiety.
00:07:06.177 --> 00:07:13.348
We need to understand what it's here for, what its function is, how it helps us, and where it hinders us.
00:07:14.202 --> 00:07:14.442
Right.
00:07:14.802 --> 00:07:20.142
And so based on that, we, when we interpret it differently, it stops being the enemy.
00:07:20.142 --> 00:07:27.012
When we get curious and compassionate and kind with ourselves and with this part of ourselves, it's really critical.
00:07:27.492 --> 00:07:27.702
Mm-hmm.
00:07:28.002 --> 00:07:35.083
That's when we set the stage for change, and then we have to regulate differently.
00:07:35.083 --> 00:07:39.252
We have to regulate our nervous system differently, come out of that survival mode.
00:07:39.653 --> 00:07:39.742
Right.
00:07:40.583 --> 00:07:49.252
Be able to start to experience, you know, what, what are we like when we are literally calm, not just seeming calm, right?
00:07:50.122 --> 00:07:55.283
And confidence stems from that, you know, a stable, confident foundation.
00:07:55.853 --> 00:07:55.942
Right?
00:07:55.942 --> 00:08:05.333
And then thirdly, what we wanna do is rewire our nervous system so that calm and confidence becomes our foundation, our baseline, our habit.
00:08:05.632 --> 00:08:07.642
Because when you have high functioning anxiety.
00:08:08.002 --> 00:08:12.112
You're basically by default, are always anxious, right?
00:08:12.413 --> 00:08:12.713
Yeah.
00:08:12.713 --> 00:08:12.723
Yeah.
00:08:13.612 --> 00:08:18.262
And it causes so much noise and separates us from ourselves.
00:08:18.713 --> 00:08:19.163
Right.
00:08:19.523 --> 00:08:20.362
I can see that.
00:08:20.903 --> 00:08:22.283
Yeah, I can totally see that.
00:08:22.283 --> 00:08:24.983
So you two people in one body?
00:08:24.983 --> 00:08:25.072
Mm-hmm.
00:08:25.372 --> 00:08:28.702
So that itself is gonna be causing strain and stress, isn't it?
00:08:29.452 --> 00:08:30.862
Yes, definitely.
00:08:31.192 --> 00:08:31.492
Yeah.
00:08:32.692 --> 00:08:33.113
So.
00:08:34.783 --> 00:08:43.513
In your experience, what do you think the number one challenge that women face in terms of this high functioning anxiety?
00:08:43.513 --> 00:08:48.493
And then you've given some ideas, but how do you help them overcome it?
00:08:48.493 --> 00:08:51.373
I know the three steps is very powerful, very powerful.
00:08:51.373 --> 00:08:52.648
Well, and And broad.
00:08:53.038 --> 00:08:53.327
Yeah.
00:08:53.327 --> 00:08:54.008
Yeah, yeah.
00:08:54.048 --> 00:08:55.722
In in this context, right?
00:08:55.722 --> 00:09:00.072
But yeah, I think the number one challenge is for women to recognize.
00:09:00.618 --> 00:09:04.008
That this is anxiety and they don't have to stay here.
00:09:04.368 --> 00:09:17.057
We have these myths that we all kind of, I don't know, have adopted somehow from the air or the culture that say, you know, I'll just power on through it and it'll get better, which it doesn't.
00:09:17.967 --> 00:09:18.658
It can't.
00:09:18.658 --> 00:09:20.697
I mean, that's the definition of insanity, right?
00:09:20.697 --> 00:09:35.878
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and coping with it actually teaches us to stay in it because coping with it is about getting through the moment, powering through, and, and don't get me wrong, it serves a purpose.
00:09:35.908 --> 00:09:37.347
It helps temporarily.
00:09:38.143 --> 00:09:45.163
It restores a sense of control and order and helps us to get through these moments and manage.
00:09:45.552 --> 00:09:53.173
But what, uh, it's doing on the backside is it's telling our nervous system that we're only okay if we're in control.
00:09:53.623 --> 00:10:01.692
Hmm, that it's dangerous out here and we've gotta be hypervigilant and managing it all the time, otherwise, something bad is gonna happen.
00:10:01.692 --> 00:10:11.113
So it just, it's like you had a leaky boat and you just kept bailing the water with the coping instead of patching the hole, which is healing, right?
00:10:11.113 --> 00:10:14.227
If you patch the hole, it stops filling up all the time.
00:10:15.283 --> 00:10:15.852
Right.
00:10:15.957 --> 00:10:16.248
Yeah.
00:10:16.602 --> 00:10:16.783
Yeah.
00:10:17.352 --> 00:10:22.182
And so for us to recognize that we've, we've been fed, aligned, basically about this.
00:10:22.187 --> 00:10:22.528
Mm-hmm.
00:10:23.028 --> 00:10:31.423
And this notion, secondly, that, well, I'm just an anxious person, which is what I thought about myself for a while, because I was anxious since I was a child.
00:10:31.873 --> 00:10:41.052
I have a memory in kindergarten of my teacher telling me I was gonna get ulcers, and I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded really bad.
00:10:41.793 --> 00:10:42.273
Right.
00:10:42.692 --> 00:10:49.243
But it also convinced me like, okay, how I am not only is not normal, but it's a problem for people and I need to stuff it.
00:10:50.173 --> 00:10:55.663
I need to push it down and, and so then it became high functioning anxiety where it was there.
00:10:55.663 --> 00:10:56.707
But boy, nobody knew.
00:10:56.707 --> 00:10:56.923
Nobody knew.
00:10:58.182 --> 00:10:59.023
Yeah.
00:10:59.082 --> 00:10:59.562
Yeah.
00:10:59.562 --> 00:11:01.513
And and anxiety is a feeling.
00:11:01.513 --> 00:11:03.163
It's not a personality trait.
00:11:03.972 --> 00:11:07.062
There are people who respond habit wise with anxiety.
00:11:07.302 --> 00:11:07.692
Yeah.
00:11:07.722 --> 00:11:10.423
But they're not really anxious people.
00:11:10.423 --> 00:11:12.403
We don't have an anxiety problem.
00:11:12.403 --> 00:11:14.952
We have a nervous system stuck in survival mode.
00:11:17.082 --> 00:11:17.163
Hmm.
00:11:17.398 --> 00:11:26.457
And I think those are the biggest things to work through are these beliefs that block us in from getting, getting change and getting help.
00:11:26.457 --> 00:11:31.798
And it couples with the issue of a lot of the, um, work out there.
00:11:31.798 --> 00:11:34.317
The advice really just works on the surface.
00:11:34.498 --> 00:11:34.618
Yeah.
00:11:34.827 --> 00:11:37.467
So it doesn't work very well for a lot of us.
00:11:37.798 --> 00:11:38.038
Mm-hmm.
00:11:38.043 --> 00:11:42.927
You know, it addresses symptoms on the surface, but it doesn't deal with what's coming up underneath.
00:11:43.363 --> 00:11:43.873
Right.
00:11:43.932 --> 00:11:53.682
And I know for myself and many of my clients that just, you know, things would work for a week or maybe not at all or a month, and then we'd be right back where we started.
00:11:54.043 --> 00:11:54.493
Yeah.
00:11:54.763 --> 00:11:55.062
Yeah.
00:11:55.903 --> 00:11:58.062
S you know, getting at the root cause.
00:11:58.062 --> 00:11:59.592
And Isn't that interesting?
00:11:59.592 --> 00:12:04.423
Thank you for sharing that, Shelly, because I, I can put my hand up.
00:12:04.663 --> 00:12:08.173
I, I know my audience can put their hand up.
00:12:08.173 --> 00:12:17.413
When we say, can you remember a time when somebody said something to you that really.
00:12:17.847 --> 00:12:33.238
You can't erase it from your memory bank because it impacted not just what you heard, but it, it, it, it landed, the seed was planted and then you, without even really realizing it, like kindergarten, what?
00:12:33.238 --> 00:12:35.038
You're five, four or five?
00:12:35.432 --> 00:12:35.722
Yeah.
00:12:36.898 --> 00:12:37.197
Huge.
00:12:38.173 --> 00:12:42.072
I am sure that teacher meant no harm, specifically.
00:12:42.373 --> 00:12:42.462
Oh, yeah.
00:12:42.462 --> 00:12:43.302
By saying that.
00:12:43.663 --> 00:12:45.283
But it doesn't matter, right?
00:12:45.312 --> 00:12:54.523
One person can make a difference in another's life and one sentence can take such a hit on another person.
00:12:54.763 --> 00:12:55.273
Right?
00:12:55.692 --> 00:12:56.143
Absolutely.
00:12:56.682 --> 00:12:57.643
Think about that.
00:12:58.437 --> 00:13:12.597
I can think of, I used to tell students in a classroom, you know, they'd, I'd ask them, so in, let's think back, you know, grade two, uh, that math test, do you remember what you got on a math test and what?
00:13:12.597 --> 00:13:15.957
And I said, do you remember when somebody hurt your feelings by some?
00:13:16.258 --> 00:13:16.888
Oh yeah.
00:13:17.482 --> 00:13:18.832
I remember what they wore.
00:13:18.832 --> 00:13:20.513
I remember what they Right.
00:13:20.513 --> 00:13:34.613
And so we carry these pieces and so what you're referring to, if I'm understanding properly, is that we need to heal those parts of us that have been hurt and damaged.
00:13:35.457 --> 00:13:40.288
Beyond thinking about, well, it's the other person's fault.
00:13:40.288 --> 00:13:48.778
It's going into that healing mode and really being at one with, I'm gonna be okay, and this is where it might be stemming from, right?
00:13:49.197 --> 00:13:49.798
Yes.
00:13:49.798 --> 00:13:50.998
No, absolutely.
00:13:51.298 --> 00:13:52.168
Absolutely.
00:13:52.618 --> 00:13:57.177
And especially those early experiences because those go straight into our subconscious.
00:13:58.173 --> 00:14:10.952
You know, and they become rules because our subconscious doesn't have any ability to filter and say, well, you know, you were probably driving your teacher nuts, but she didn't mean anything negative by this.
00:14:11.163 --> 00:14:11.587
Yeah, yeah.
00:14:11.643 --> 00:14:14.942
You know, and you were, you know, driving her nuts temporarily.
00:14:14.942 --> 00:14:18.273
She didn't dislike you, she wasn't saying how you were, wasn't okay.
00:14:18.783 --> 00:14:19.802
That kind of thing.
00:14:20.472 --> 00:14:23.293
Your subconscious doesn't have the ability, it takes it at everything.
00:14:23.293 --> 00:14:23.857
At face value.
00:14:23.857 --> 00:14:24.013
Face value.
00:14:25.357 --> 00:14:25.577
Yes.
00:14:25.932 --> 00:14:29.442
You know, and that forms so many of the rules that we live by.
00:14:29.442 --> 00:14:33.072
Our subconscious runs about 95% of our life.
00:14:33.643 --> 00:14:38.113
What we think, feel, say, do, decide, believe, on and on, and on and on.
00:14:38.623 --> 00:14:40.273
And yet we rarely think about it.
00:14:40.717 --> 00:14:40.957
Right.
00:14:40.957 --> 00:14:47.918
And so that's where the rewiring comes in, is really healing those parts of ourselves so that we can have a new narrative.
00:14:48.097 --> 00:14:48.278
Mm-hmm.
00:14:49.388 --> 00:14:50.138
Absolutely.
00:14:50.138 --> 00:14:52.538
And deserving of such.
00:14:53.288 --> 00:14:54.758
Oh, you bet, right?
00:14:54.758 --> 00:14:55.957
Absolutely.
00:14:56.018 --> 00:14:56.888
Absolutely.
00:14:57.217 --> 00:14:57.697
Mm-hmm.
00:14:58.133 --> 00:15:04.567
We are all, all deserving of that and, and need to recognize that at any moment.
00:15:04.962 --> 00:15:05.712
Any moment.
00:15:05.863 --> 00:15:08.082
Yeah, we are doing the best we can do right then.
00:15:08.712 --> 00:15:13.783
And it may not be the best we can ever do, but in that moment, that was the best we had.
00:15:14.653 --> 00:15:15.732
And that's okay.
00:15:15.913 --> 00:15:17.202
Yeah, because we're human.
00:15:17.623 --> 00:15:17.832
Yeah.
00:15:18.043 --> 00:15:22.123
And it's okay to wanna, you know, shift and change and grow where we can.
00:15:22.123 --> 00:15:25.692
And to do that, we need that kindness, curiosity, and compassion.
00:15:26.548 --> 00:15:31.347
Those are big foundations for my work because without that, nothing shifts.
00:15:31.347 --> 00:15:34.557
If, if being mean to ourselves worked, we'd be perfect by now.
00:15:34.562 --> 00:15:34.743
Right.
00:15:36.033 --> 00:15:36.903
Thank you for that.
00:15:38.293 --> 00:15:39.927
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:40.048 --> 00:15:51.177
And isn't it something that we as humans and in particular women, the self chat, the self, you know.
00:15:51.837 --> 00:15:55.798
Conversation that we have inside of our thoughts.
00:15:56.248 --> 00:15:59.727
The majority of it is not positive and uplifting.
00:15:59.727 --> 00:16:02.337
It's all about you should have.
00:16:02.337 --> 00:16:02.937
Could have.
00:16:02.967 --> 00:16:03.508
Would have.
00:16:03.508 --> 00:16:06.238
Why all the, yeah, negative.
00:16:06.238 --> 00:16:10.587
So I love the work that you do because you help rewire.
00:16:10.648 --> 00:16:10.738
That.
00:16:12.057 --> 00:16:12.538
Right?
00:16:13.168 --> 00:16:14.518
Yeah, absolutely.
00:16:14.518 --> 00:16:15.148
That's the goal.
00:16:15.177 --> 00:16:20.607
'cause we, our brain literally has a negativity bias, which makes sense.
00:16:20.607 --> 00:16:22.918
If you think about it from evolutionary terms.
00:16:22.918 --> 00:16:29.878
If there's a hundred berries that I, I like this will bring back, but there's a hundred berry bushes out in the forest that we collect from.
00:16:29.878 --> 00:16:30.118
Right?
00:16:30.118 --> 00:16:30.148
Okay.
00:16:30.177 --> 00:16:30.268
Mm-hmm.
00:16:30.658 --> 00:16:35.368
But one of the pest snakes under it, we need to remember which one had snakes under it.
00:16:35.697 --> 00:16:36.177
Got it.
00:16:36.177 --> 00:16:37.437
When we go out, right?
00:16:37.513 --> 00:16:37.732
Yep.
00:16:38.447 --> 00:16:46.307
And in modern day times, unfortunately, some of these strategies that make a lot of sense when you look way back, don't service here and now.
00:16:46.307 --> 00:16:51.827
So that, and that's analogous to a hundred people told me good things.
00:16:51.857 --> 00:16:52.097
Mm-hmm.
00:16:52.337 --> 00:16:56.177
And one person told me something critical and I focus on the critical person.
00:16:56.508 --> 00:16:57.018
Right.
00:16:57.258 --> 00:16:57.587
Yeah.
00:16:58.452 --> 00:17:11.143
You know, because we, we haven't adjusted the way we need to, and, and there are ways to help our mind and our subconscious and our nervous system to adjust and overcome some of that bias for sure.
00:17:11.383 --> 00:17:16.617
To make calm a bias, to make compassion for ourselves, the bias and the habit.
00:17:17.758 --> 00:17:18.867
Oh, thank you.
00:17:18.867 --> 00:17:19.282
That, and that's my goal for that.
00:17:19.557 --> 00:17:20.817
Thank you for that work.
00:17:21.028 --> 00:17:22.678
It is so needed.
00:17:23.248 --> 00:17:29.907
So needed in, in the world we live in today, we've got, excuse me, so many exterior.
00:17:30.492 --> 00:17:42.853
Negative forces at work that are beyond our control, but we are consuming it in a way that I don't think is always very healthy because we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel concept.
00:17:42.853 --> 00:17:45.073
We see the dark and gloomy.
00:17:45.073 --> 00:17:51.103
So your work is so valuable in so many ways, so many levels.
00:17:51.103 --> 00:17:52.482
Thank you for all of it.
00:17:53.053 --> 00:17:54.462
Um, yeah.
00:17:54.768 --> 00:17:56.988
I'm really passionate about it because mm-hmm.
00:17:56.993 --> 00:17:58.307
You know, I was, I was there.
00:17:58.307 --> 00:17:58.907
I get it.
00:17:58.923 --> 00:17:59.212
Yeah.
00:17:59.567 --> 00:17:59.748
Yeah.
00:17:59.988 --> 00:18:10.607
And I know, I believe that women are going to heal and change the world, and especially those of us who have, you know, passed that point of 45.
00:18:10.607 --> 00:18:14.448
So we're not as focused on raising little kids that need their milk cord for them.
00:18:14.958 --> 00:18:15.198
Right.
00:18:15.288 --> 00:18:21.317
We're more settled within our career, within our lives, but that's when things really open up to us possibilities.
00:18:21.317 --> 00:18:22.548
And it's like, wait a minute.
00:18:23.458 --> 00:18:25.167
What do I really wanna do with this?
00:18:25.167 --> 00:18:25.258
Right?
00:18:25.798 --> 00:18:27.117
What do I really wanna be doing?
00:18:27.117 --> 00:18:34.738
And, and not that we didn't wanna have our career and our family, of course, all of those things, but I think there's time that's freed up for us.
00:18:34.827 --> 00:18:35.008
Yeah.
00:18:35.008 --> 00:18:40.948
At this stage in our life, there's time, there's energy that allows so much possibility.
00:18:40.948 --> 00:18:50.307
And if we're gonna heal the world and change it in positive ways, which I believe women will, we need to not be weighed down with all our emotional baggage, all the old stuff.
00:18:50.847 --> 00:18:50.998
Yeah.
00:18:51.087 --> 00:18:57.597
So that's my mission, is to help as many women as possible to be able to put those things down.
00:18:57.837 --> 00:18:57.928
Mm-hmm.
00:18:58.198 --> 00:19:02.307
So that they can go and live a juicy life, whatever that means for them.
00:19:02.847 --> 00:19:03.688
Absolutely.
00:19:03.688 --> 00:19:06.208
And, and it's the whole context of our show, isn't it?
00:19:06.208 --> 00:19:09.807
It's, this is for you, for you, by you because of you.
00:19:10.167 --> 00:19:14.337
And I love how you shared, you know, you're at a different, um.
00:19:14.998 --> 00:19:18.057
At a different part in your timeline of life.
00:19:18.387 --> 00:19:22.917
So it doesn't mean that what you've done prior is not okay or not right?
00:19:22.917 --> 00:19:27.028
It was absolutely in alignment with where you were on the trajectory of that timeline.
00:19:27.748 --> 00:19:28.258
Yeah.
00:19:28.258 --> 00:19:28.948
Yeah, yeah.
00:19:28.948 --> 00:19:29.218
Totally.
00:19:30.063 --> 00:19:39.147
But we're also allowed to change our minds in terms of our focus and you know, giving ourselves permission or even the ability to ask the question.
00:19:39.387 --> 00:19:39.718
Yeah.
00:19:39.718 --> 00:19:45.867
Because so often we don't ask questions'cause we're so busy we're in that, you know, kind of hamster wheel sort of life.
00:19:45.952 --> 00:19:46.442
Exactly.
00:19:46.712 --> 00:19:47.002
Yeah.
00:19:47.877 --> 00:19:53.998
The door is opening for possibilities through your lens of curiosity, which I absolutely love.
00:19:53.998 --> 00:20:06.357
I think life is so beautiful when we come through it, um, via the lens of curiosity instead of what should I or oh, my expectations are, right.
00:20:06.357 --> 00:20:13.347
When we create that curiosity lens, it, it lightens the load just by thinking that way, doesn't it?
00:20:13.347 --> 00:20:13.708
Yeah.
00:20:14.758 --> 00:20:15.567
Absolutely.
00:20:15.657 --> 00:20:16.438
Absolutely.
00:20:16.438 --> 00:20:21.958
And that's why I think your work too is so important because there's so much potential for us here.
00:20:21.988 --> 00:20:22.107
Yeah.
00:20:22.827 --> 00:20:24.567
You know, at this point in our lives.
00:20:24.688 --> 00:20:24.988
Mm-hmm.
00:20:25.678 --> 00:20:26.998
Yeah, there is.
00:20:26.998 --> 00:20:43.587
And when we are grounded and centered in our new way of being with the calm, clarity mindset, subconscious work, we have a nicer opportunity to move with more fluidity, don't we?
00:20:44.442 --> 00:20:47.383
Oh, absolutely, absolutely unencumbered.
00:20:47.778 --> 00:20:48.067
Yeah.
00:20:48.972 --> 00:20:52.153
You know, think of it like all that old junk kind of, yeah.
00:20:52.813 --> 00:20:58.363
This idea of a, a red wagon, you know, the red wagons with the black and white wheels that many of us had as kids.
00:20:58.692 --> 00:20:58.813
Yeah.
00:20:58.813 --> 00:21:04.692
I feel like when stuff goes wrong in our lives, which inevitably does, it's, you know, we all have stuff.
00:21:04.692 --> 00:21:05.113
Right.
00:21:05.803 --> 00:21:07.603
Then it puts rocks in those wagon.
00:21:08.262 --> 00:21:10.212
And it's hard to pull those wagons.
00:21:10.212 --> 00:21:12.702
It's harder and harder and harder to get'em places.
00:21:12.853 --> 00:21:18.913
And so if we can take the rocks out, boy, you know, to quote Dr.
00:21:18.913 --> 00:21:20.712
Seuss, all the places we will go.
00:21:22.087 --> 00:21:23.442
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:24.222 --> 00:21:26.863
And why not, right?
00:21:27.313 --> 00:21:29.202
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:29.292 --> 00:21:29.893
You've got this.
00:21:29.893 --> 00:21:31.367
Precious and wildlife do it.
00:21:32.113 --> 00:21:32.502
Yeah.
00:21:32.653 --> 00:21:33.853
Nothing to lose.
00:21:34.063 --> 00:21:35.143
Everything to gain.
00:21:35.143 --> 00:21:35.232
Mm-hmm.
00:21:36.248 --> 00:21:36.607
Absolutely.
00:21:36.792 --> 00:21:36.883
Mm-hmm.
00:21:37.032 --> 00:21:38.202
Absolutely.
00:21:39.432 --> 00:21:49.482
Is there any, I know we've touched on so much, but is there anything you would love to leave our audience with as we get ready to close this conversation?
00:21:51.343 --> 00:21:52.992
Well, uh, two things.
00:21:53.202 --> 00:21:53.292
Mm-hmm.
00:21:53.532 --> 00:22:02.712
First off, I want them to know that however long, however much they've struggled in their anxiety, it is never, ever too late to change.
00:22:03.103 --> 00:22:07.542
That can be shifted no matter what, no matter where you're at.
00:22:08.472 --> 00:22:08.653
Thank you.
00:22:08.653 --> 00:22:13.333
And if other things have not worked so well for you, you're not broken.
00:22:13.333 --> 00:22:14.833
It doesn't mean that you're broken.
00:22:15.657 --> 00:22:18.538
Because, you know, I know I felt that way for a very long time.
00:22:19.018 --> 00:22:19.107
Mm-hmm.
00:22:19.347 --> 00:22:20.847
You know, there must be something wrong with me.
00:22:20.847 --> 00:22:26.008
And that's not really the case because you just need to come at it at a different angle.
00:22:26.488 --> 00:22:37.317
And, um, also wanted to offer your audience a free mini class with, it's got four really good relaxation tools to help you in the moment.
00:22:37.317 --> 00:22:42.928
Three of them work in under a minute to bring more common confidence to your life because once you're calm.
00:22:43.903 --> 00:22:45.313
Confidence follows.
00:22:45.583 --> 00:22:48.492
You know, we always think, oh, well I'll get, I'll get confidence somehow.
00:22:48.492 --> 00:22:51.343
But no, you've gotta be, you've gotta feel calm first.
00:22:51.432 --> 00:22:51.643
Mm-hmm.
00:22:52.153 --> 00:22:55.093
You have to soothe the body before you can soothe the mind.
00:22:55.452 --> 00:22:57.583
Always, always, always, always.
00:22:57.583 --> 00:22:58.873
Or at least at the same time.
00:22:59.353 --> 00:22:59.442
Mm-hmm.
00:22:59.863 --> 00:23:09.462
And so, um, it's got some of my favorite really easy, really powerful tools to get started on this journey for anyone who's interested in doing that.
00:23:10.063 --> 00:23:13.992
Wonderful, and we will have all this information in the show notes.
00:23:13.992 --> 00:23:19.903
So make sure you check out the show notes and how to contact Shelly, um, to have deeper conversation.
00:23:19.903 --> 00:23:24.133
And I am so honored to have shared this time with you.
00:23:24.133 --> 00:23:30.468
I just love the work that you do, and I'm so grateful that unfortunately, your life.
00:23:31.288 --> 00:23:49.948
Took you to the point that you had to really understand the depths of the anxiety that you experienced, but I always believe there's a purpose and a reason for everything, and I think it was meant to be so that you could come out and do the beautiful work that you do now, supporting people to.
00:23:51.012 --> 00:24:07.333
Be high functioning without that extra anxiety and to become calm and confident and very clear on who you are as a person first, and the job secondary and the relationship secondary, but relationship to self is, is pivotal.
00:24:07.333 --> 00:24:09.012
So it's everything.
00:24:09.012 --> 00:24:09.972
Absolutely.
00:24:10.093 --> 00:24:10.182
Mm-hmm.
00:24:10.452 --> 00:24:18.012
Once you get that done, then you discover, and thank you for your compassion towards me, but it really, that's the point where it becomes a superpower.
00:24:18.073 --> 00:24:24.942
Yes, is when you've healed it and rewired it, and it's something that works for you instead of against you.
00:24:25.303 --> 00:24:25.393
Mm.
00:24:26.532 --> 00:24:29.772
Which is amazing and it's wonderful to see in folks.
00:24:30.222 --> 00:24:30.613
Yeah.
00:24:31.542 --> 00:24:33.107
And thank you for leading the way in that.
00:24:34.813 --> 00:24:35.053
Thank you.
00:24:36.192 --> 00:24:38.518
It has been such a joy to talk with you, Denise.
00:24:38.772 --> 00:24:39.462
You too.
00:24:40.153 --> 00:24:41.083
You too.
00:24:41.292 --> 00:24:43.843
So again, we'll have all the information in the show notes.
00:24:43.843 --> 00:24:45.012
Make sure you check it out.
00:24:45.432 --> 00:24:46.722
Get that free resource.
00:24:46.752 --> 00:24:47.292
Oh my gosh.
00:24:47.292 --> 00:24:48.792
I can't wait to get my hands on it.
00:24:48.792 --> 00:24:50.083
I know that for sure.
00:24:50.593 --> 00:24:51.357
I'm so excited.
00:24:52.603 --> 00:24:56.742
Before we close, I do want to share something gently.
00:24:57.042 --> 00:24:59.113
I am currently stewarding the.
00:24:59.492 --> 00:25:17.732
Early formation of a live in-person experience called Ignite the Inner Uprising, and it's being created for women in midlife who feel the quiet pull towards something more truthful, more embodied, more their own.
00:25:18.063 --> 00:25:20.762
It isn't an event I'm rushing.
00:25:21.143 --> 00:25:22.823
Or loudly promoting.
00:25:22.823 --> 00:25:30.442
It's just being built slowly with care and very deep respect for the women in midlife who it's meant to serve.
00:25:30.442 --> 00:25:46.192
So if your body leaned in at any point today during our conversation, if something here resonated beyond words, just know this, that there will be a place to gather for now.
00:25:46.242 --> 00:25:47.952
Simply stay connected.
00:25:48.073 --> 00:25:50.623
Follow, like, share.
00:25:50.623 --> 00:25:55.123
Give us your reviews so more women can find us.
00:25:55.182 --> 00:26:02.472
And when the timing is right, you will hear more about Ignite the inner uprising.
00:26:02.952 --> 00:26:05.232
Have an incredible day.